5 Parenting Inventions I Could Sure Use, If Somebody Would Like to Get On It

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

I love the word “Mompreneurs.” Moms taking care of mom business — and making piles of money doing it — it’s absolute genius. I want to see so much more of this in the world. Yes, because it’s all about woman power and making our own opportunities and all that jazz. But mainly because I have so many problems and I’m pretty lazy, which makes it unlikely I’ll be starting a company out of my own garage any time soon. So can you help a mom out?

Here are some of the innovations I need an industrious mompreneur to take on, asap.

1. An app that vibrates my phone when it’s my kid’s turn at any sporting event.

Swim meets are looong, you guys. Do you even know how long they are? And how fast a kid can swim across the pool? Surprisingly fast! What about baseball? A mom can spend hours in the bleachers getting swarmed by gnats, except for that five teeny tiny minutes when she retreats to the car to look for bug spray…and her kid hits his one and only (error assisted) homer of the season. There is a real need for an app that stealthily alerts sports moms to the upcoming action, so we never have to endure the “Oh, it’s such a shame you missed it” smirk from the sideline moms in their fancy chairs.

2. A restaurant that could magically cater to all of my kid’s picky food requests. (Okay, and mine too.)

Wouldn’t it be amazing if family restaurants served the exact food that each member of your family wants to eat, in the exact way they want to eat it? And I don’t just mean Dad wants a burger, and Mom wants a salad. I mean one kid wants boxed that mac and cheese he’s obsessed with, and he’s rather specific about which box. The other kid is in a raisin toast-with-the-raisins-poked-out phase. Their friend who’s tagging along tonight is all about the smoothie, but only if it isn’t the colors orange, pink, or yellow. Basically, what we’re looking for is a culinary mullet: restaurant in the front and grocery store in the back. Don’t let the start-up costs deter you! Moms who don’t have to cook or listen to whining are very good tippers.

3. A device that allows me to speak directly into my kids’ headphones.

The headphones seemed like a good idea, didn’t they? After all, there’s only so much Justin Bieber (how is he still a thing?) a mom can take. And the videogaming! We have to be responsible and make sure they play in front of us, but listening to the same explosions and screeches over and over can get a little — FOR THE LOVE, HOW HAVE YOU NOT LEVELED UP YET? Sorry about that.

So we break out the earbuds, perhaps not quite anticipating that in doing so we would be turning ourselves into a bunch of screaming meemees because the kids can no longer hear simple requests to come to dinner or get ready for bed. (They start out as simple, anyway. They end up with us standing directly in front of them, screaming directly into their faces and wildly gesticulating.) What we need is a universal microphone that allows moms to scarily whisper into the headphoned ear of any kid within range.

4. Next-level group text technology.

When a group text dings in, I’m never entirely sure who is “on the line” (as the old timers would say on account of there used to be actual telephone lines). This can lead to some very unfortunate misunderstandings when, for example, not everyone appreciates your attempts at humor, Peyton. Now that I think of it, maybe that’s just me. But certainly every mom is pained at the number of me-toos that follow a group text, along with the inevitable side convo that needlessly and endlessly goes out to all zillion recipients. Why isn’t there an app that requires each responder to check off who to text back from a photo-assisted list of the initial victims? I even have a brilliant pricing strategy: The app will cost 99 cents, unless you want the optional reply-all tool, in which case it costs $199.

5. Failproof TV childproofing.

There comes a certain time in the afternoon when a mom needs to sneak a quick peek at some decidedly PG-13 fare while frantically jamming in a few Oreos. (Maybe for you it’s a certain time of the month, but for me it’s more of a daily thing. Don’t judge.) Somehow my kids can sense adults behaving badly — the ones on the screen and the one double stuffing the Double Stuffs — every single time. It would be great if my TV could sense the approaching pitter patter and throw up one of those super-annoying room-clearing tests of the emergency broadcast system BEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZ before getting back to whatever horridness the Real Housewives are spewing when the coast is clear. Throw in an anti-Oreo breath spray and I’ll be first in line for your Kickstarter.

Get on it, mompreneurs. I hereby license these ideas to you absolutely free. I’ll even be a beta tester and your No. 1 fan. Necessity, after all, is the mother of … well, you know the rest.

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