The first smile. The first tooth. The first crawl. Baby milestones are wonderful things; if you track your baby’s accomplishments of certain tasks, you can determine if he’s progressing “on schedule” or “at a normal rate.”
If your baby is not hitting its milestones inside the recognized period of time, milestones can bless you with many sleepless nights asking yourself what you’re doing wrong.
Milestones can also be used to brag, as in, “my baby rolled over at two months; your baby was still trying to figure out how to lift his head at that time. Enjoy your sleepless night.”
The following milestones are ones you’ll be praying that smug frenemy’s baby will hit far before your own reaches them.
1. The first diaper blowout
The first poop is a bit gross, but also kind of a relief — it means your baby’s intestines are functioning.
The first blowout is nothing like that.
It’s been proven scientifically that two minutes after you’ve dressed your baby in his most adorable outfit, he will poop. This will not be a normal poop. This poop will help you understand why veteran mothers let their children run around in nothing but diapers all day. This poop will explode out the leg holes, up the back, and over the belly. This poop will cover the adorable outfit in sticky yellow goop. This poop will make you question why you ever thought this parenting gig would be fun.
Twenty minutes later, when the baby is cleaned, you are cleaned, the outfit is resting peacefully in a bucket of stain remover, and a brand-new outfit had been placed on your bundle of joy, it will happen again.
At least their gastrointestinal tract is still functional!
2. The first smack
There will come a time when your adorable chubby-cheeked little angel will climb up onto your lap, stroke your hair softly, pull back their hand, and slap you hard across the face.
After the first hit, brace yourself for being hit over anything. Reading a book in the wrong voice, not letting them have a cookie, asking them to not rip out the cat’s whiskers, and much much more. Never will the urge to slap your child come in greater force, but with that burning desire comes the reminder that you’ll just reinforce the slapping behavior if you slap them back.
So you force down your rising arm, firmly tell your child (and yourself) “we do NOT hit,” and walk away from the situation. Over and over and over again.
3. The first real tantrum
I remember the days when my son would whine for no good reason and my husband and I would turn to each other, roll our eyes, and say, “Ugh, he’s already throwing tantrums.”
We had no idea.
We all know the best reaction to a tantrum is just ignoring it (or throwing your own), but sometimes it just takes so long until the child realizes they are being ignored. Until that magical moment, you have to deal with strangers giving you the stink eye as the fruit of your loins lies on their back screaming, kicking their feet, and spinning in a circle. (I always feel the need to assure strangers that my son did not learn this from seeing me react to a lack of chocolate in the house.)
4. The first flush
My son is learning to use the toilet right now, and for some reason there’s nothing cuter than watching him wave goodbye to his excrement as it’s flushed away. Luckily, our flushing mechanism is far out of reach (on top of the tank); I have a feeling if he could reach it. he’d be waving goodbye to a lot more than just poo.
See, not only have I read Robert Munsch’s Love You Forever with its infamous “toddler in the bathroom” illustration, but I have already caught my darling boy dropping anything he can get his hands on into the porcelain throne. I know the day is coming, and I am terrified. Here’s hoping he stays in the 20th percentile for height so that when he finally can reach the button, he’s 10 years old.
5. The first swear
Children’s mouths should be as clean as the soap they wash with, but that doesn’t make it any less hilarious when a 2-year-old says a naughty word. The only reason I’m not kind of looking forward to this milestone is that I’m still not sure I’ll be able to hold back the giggles. And we all know what happens when you giggle at a child doing something wrong.
Who knows? Maybe you’ll have an angel child that avoids all these milestones. If you do, I’d seriously like to know your midi-chlorian count.More On