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10 Ways to Be the Most Annoying Parent on Facebook

image source: thinkstock
image source: thinkstock

The term “sharenting” was coined a few years ago as a way of describing parents who turn to social media for advice, attention, companionship, and approval. These parents tweet, blog, and post about their kids. Being a sharent is pretty easy. Being an oversharent, on the other hand, takes work. You have to post a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Not to worry, though, we’re here to help. We’ve prepared a handy list of tips and tricks guaranteed to turn you into an oversharent.

1. Oversharing

First and foremost, remember that everything is fair game, from Teen’s biggest pimple to Baby’s biggest poo in the potty. That’s what oversharenting is about — everything. Sharing really is caring.

2. The not-so-humblebrag

The humblebrag is so 2011. Want to be 2016? Straight up brag, #nofilter. Talk about how beautiful your daughter is, how talented your son is, the amazing bond your kids share. Imagine you’re gushing about your kids to your parents or spouse, only your parents and spouse are the whole world.

3. #Hashtag

Hashtag like your life depends on it. The longer and less relevant to anyone else, the better. Try to make up your own hashtags using variations of your kid’s name. Or you can kill two birds with one stone and name your baby after an Instagram filter, such as Lux or Amaro. Consider the hashtag possibilities then!!! #Lux #Instagrambabies #ireallycannotbelievethisisactuallyathing #canyou

4. All about appearance

When posting about a girl, focus on her appearance. You might write something along the lines of, “I wish I had hair so lustrous” or “These eyes don’t need eyeliner.” The yellow face emoji with its tongue hanging out will heighten the effect. When posting about an especially young girl, talk about how she’s “6 going on 16.” The crying emoji might be more appropriate here, but not nearly as appropriate as making sure the 6-year-old has a full face before taking the photo.

5. Athleticism is key

When posting about a boy, reference his masculinity or athletic ability. Use words like strong, handsome, and technology. Do not pass up an opportunity to use the phrase “little man.” Also, #boyswillbeboys, am I right?

6. Bathroom play-by-play

Don’t forget life’s less-than-perfect moments. In fact, you’ll want to go into some detail about recent emergencies or illnesses, especially if said illness impacted the whole family and/or involved the plunger. Your photos and descriptions should make us feel as if we were right there in the bathroom with you.

7. Forever friends

Refer to your child as your best friend. What makes this advice so great is its timelessness. Your best friend can be as little as 11 weeks or as old as 21. Boundaries are for suckers. Some parents skip the best friend route in favor of talking about how in love they are with their children. That’s okay too! It’s up to you whether you want to use Snapchat’s “in love” filter or would rather add heart and rainbow emojis.

8. Don’t forget their middle name

Use your child’s full name in posts. Doing so ensures that any and all photos are forever archived, thanks to the magic of the Internet, and thus easily findable by future paramours and corporate overlords.

9. Permission granted, always

Never, ever ask if you can post. These kids are the fruits of your loins and the vessel for your neuroses, after all. Therefore you can — and should — post about them as you will. Your social media presence is about you, even if it features them, because it showcases your amazing parenting, gene pool, and ability to make puns. If your kids object, tell them to get their own Facebook accounts.

10. The more posts, the merrier

If in doubt, post. Aim for at least 10 posts per day. Fill your friends’ feeds! It takes time, and effort, and sweat, and sponsorships to become an Instamom (or dad). Keep the end game in mind: likes trump all. Someday your child will turn to you and say, “Thanks, Mom, for posting that picture of me covered in mashed up carrots. It got 30 likes!”

So, yeah, I guess we’re all the most annoying parents on Facebook. Whoops.

Article Posted 2 years Ago
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