Summer is a time of beaches, sprinklers, fireflies, and kids falling immediately asleep at bedtime because they were running around all day. Unfortunately, there are also some less exciting, and a bit more embarrassing moments that herald the approach of this magical season. Look for these on your friends’ Instagram feeds, though, and you probably won’t find them.
1. The ant invasion.
Where the heck do all these ants come from? Why are they in your kitchen and even your bathroom? Nobody eats in the bathroom, do they? After a few useless home remedies like Borax and cider vinegar, bring out the big guns and spray these mofos into submission. To watch them return the next morning. Damn you insect invaders!
2. The unflattering tan lines.
No cute bikini tan lines here. We’re talking about your below the sneaker line and your Bermuda shorts line that cuts you off at the knee. And also your sunglasses line so you look like a panda with a tan nose. Ain’t nobody taking pictures of that.
3. The time your kid poops in the public pool.
Yes, it’s your kid that shut everything down for the two hours it takes for new chlorinated water to cycle through the system and sterilize the pool from your child’s waste. Do you admit this to anyone? Sure, because you’re mature and take things in stride and — no, you don’t. You take the secret to your grave.
4. Packing for the beach.
Oh sure, you’ll snap a pic when the cooler is all loaded and the beach bag is filled with pool toys and magazines and a tumbler of iced vodka — I mean, water. But the actual two-hour process of screaming about where the ice packs are and why your husband already fed them the snacks that you actually packed last night for once and why you’re going to be so late that it doesn’t even make sense to go since the baby just has to nap at 1 PM anyway … all those touching moments occur off-screen.
5. The swimsuits you decided not to wear after all.
So that includes the French-style maillot, the sporty two-piece, the mature one with a skirt, the practical one with torso-lengthening stripes, and the MILF-y one with an extremely padded top. Because, once you’re actually about to venture forth in public, the only swimsuit you’ll wear is good old faithful with a lot of butt coverage, from three years ago. Why did you buy all those other ones, your husband asks? Nope, he doesn’t ask. He knows better.
6. The lawn mowing argument.
Your husband acted like this is a fate worse than death until you had the second kid. Now you’ll be damned if he doesn’t stay out there for hours, happy as a clam, listening to music, and telling you he’ll just take one more lap around the yard to make sure everything looks great. You see through this ploy just like you can see through that gross tank top he wears to mow. Get back in here and take your turn watching the kids, what is this, a vacation day for you?
7. The crappy grilling.
While you may see many pictures of juicy, mouth-watering burgers with perfect grill lines and corn that turns out just right, most people will carefully avoid showcasing the mushy veggie burgers, sweet potatoes that turned out charred on the outside and raw on the inside, the steak that would have been perfect if you didn’t have to run in and change a diaper in those key moments that made it transform from perfect to leather, and the burgers that you let your kids shape into what now look like burned ping pong balls.
8. The ice cream gone awry.
Right after those cute snaps of your kids with happy faces and tongues outstretched licking ice cream cones comes the inevitable disaster. One of them drops her cone, one of them refuses to eat hers because her sister licked it when she looked away, and one of them is lactose intolerant, it appears. Look, how are you supposed to keep that straight? Three kids, man. One of them always has some issue.
9. The date night where you are a sweaty wildebeest.
Any date night picture at an outdoor venue where the woman doesn’t look like a shiny, humidity-fluffed, armpit-drenched beast from the netherworld is staged, I tell you. Is there some filter that makes you look like it’s 70 degrees with zero humidity? Someone back-channel me.
10. The pictures your kid takes from below where you have five chins.
Aww, how sweet that you want to take a picture of “mommy in her pretty dress.” But check this out son, if you want to land a girlfriend in 10 years: take pictures FROM ABOVE. Yes, you can climb on top of the refrigerator just this one time. There, doesn’t Mommy look cute like that?