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The Mom Resume

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Luckily, we don’t need to apply for the position of mother or go through an excruciating round of interviews before we get the job — or maybe we do, in some cosmic sense.

If we did have to apply to mother our kiddos, what would our resume look like? Probably pretty impressive. We parents are quite astounding, although we would never admit it to ourselves.

Here’s my shout out to all you bodacious mamas who I would hire in a second to raise your kids.

Jane Doe-ting

555-5555 | MyUterusIsTired@Motherhood.com

555 Muffintop Lane

Pleasantville, Somewhere

Objective Overview

Humbled-by-life female seeking to mold the young humans I birthed into kind, honest, and hygienic older humans. Extensive training and skill in the art of baby and toddler talk.

Special Skills and Traits

  • Sleeping with eyes open
  • Shaving legs in under 30 seconds
  • Efficient
  • Ability to speak in 15 cartoon voices
  • Creative
  • Assembling pinecone bird feeders and popsicle stick art
  • Industrious
  • Picking up 60 blocks in under 60 seconds
  • Good hand-eye coordination
  • Simultaneously satisfying the demands of a tired baby and a hyper toddler
  • Multitasking
  • Melting of cheese on carbs
  • Health conscious

Education and Certification

Natural Labor Degree | 2010

  • 41.7 weeks of AP pregnancy
  • 26 hours of labor
  • 5 hours of extra credit pushing

Bachelor in Breastfeeding (with a Minor in Boob Pumping) | 2010

  • 2 weeks of cracked nipples
  • 2 years of advanced nursing
  • 6 months of weaning

C-Section Certificate | 2013

  • 43 weeks of honors pregnancy
  • 2 hours of labor
  • ? minutes of surgery
  • 4 weeks of recovery

Awards

  • Bottom Wiper of the Year (3 Years Running)
  • Excellence in “No, I Do It” Child Whispering
  • Outstanding Achievement in the Art of Food Processing
  • Runner up in Toddler Tantrum Taming
  • 15th Place in International Potty Training

Related Work Experience

Mediator | 2014 – Current

  • Trained to provide counsel in “she got a bigger piece than me” discrepancies, resolution of “his elbow’s touching my arm!” claims (with an emphasis on car travel), and the handling of “but I’m not tired” denials.

Seamstress | 2012 – Current

  • Specialize in the repair of stick-induced rips, the creation of ninja wear, and tailoring of princess dresses.

Short Order Cook | 2011 – Current

  • Cater to customer’s dietary whims at a moment’s notice.

Janitor | 2010 – Current

  • Expertise in managing a leak while simultaneously plunging foreign objects out of toilets. Please note: I do not do windows.

Past Work Experience

Professional Brunch-er | 2005 – 2009

  • Was particularly adept at all-you-can-drink mimosas, gossip, and cream cheese stuffed pastries.

Certified Napper | 1984 – 2010

  • Trained for car naps, airplane sleep, and “just because” snoozes.
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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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