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We’re Naming Our Next Kid “Hashtag”

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

Spoiler Alert: We are naming our next kid Hashtag.* Oh, sorry … that may have not been enough time to avert your eyes.

Ah well, now that you know, please let me explain.

If you’ve had even just one child by now, then you already know how daunting the task of naming a kid is. For starters, there are so many different strategies, viewpoints, and considerations that must be taken into account. Or at least that’s what all the baby naming websites will tell you.

Suddenly, you start asking yourselves all sorts of questions you never even thought of before. Things like: Do we want to play it safe and go with a more traditional name, which will obviously guarantee our kid a college diploma and a steady job, as a teacher, an insurance salesman, or someone in H.R.? Or should we go with something more unique to set him apart, and leave open the possibility that he eschews the traditional path, and winds up becoming a radio deejay or a rock star or some kind of yogi?

Or maybe you could get real creative and start using their birth order as inspiration. Next thing you know, you’ll have kids named Chip (“chip off the old block”), Trip (for triple), and Dru (for quadruple).

Your mind starts to wander down a very weird, dark road with the whole baby naming thing …
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Or perhaps it’s important to you to keep a family name alive for a second, third, or fourth generation, in which case you can skirt the whole “being original” thing altogether, and just name him John David So and So XIII. (Lucky you.)

My point is, your mind starts to wander down a very weird, dark road with the whole baby naming thing. Trust me; my wife and I went through the exact same thing.

And now, we’re going through it again now that Baby No. 2. is on its way. Recently, the pressure was really beginning to mount, and the kid isn’t even due until June. (It’s another boy, by the way. I know, I know. Just send all condolence cards to me, and I will direct them to my wife.)

But that’s when it hit me: Hashtag!

If you’re still skeptical at this point, just hear me out for a second. My wife thought it was the worst idea she had ever heard, too … until I explained a few things.

First, it wouldn’t be spelled “Hashtag.” Obvs. It would be a symbol, like Prince. First name, #. Last name, Burdick.

That’s right, #Burdick.

After all, it’s of the utmost importance in this social media-drenched world we live in to have a campaign that is both streamlined and easy to understand. The “campaign” in this case, clearly, is making the child as famous as possible. If he is going to not only survive, but thrive in this new media landscape, he’ll need to have that edge from (quite literally) Day One. He’ll also need nourishment, love, acceptance, etc. But hey, that would all go to waste if he doesn’t have a leg up in this uber-competitive world, where knowing how to market yourself from the get-go is everything — amiright?

Soon #Burdick will be flying all over the Interwebs … every milestone in little #Burdick’s life will incorporate the campaign we began from Day One.
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Second, there’s the importance of trending. Without getting into the weeds on this one, suffice it to say that these days, trending is super important and something one should always be working towards. (For instance, I am trending right now. I do it every day for at least fifteen minutes.) So you can just imagine in his first few weeks of life …

We will, of course, first announce the birth of our son, #Burdick, to Facebook and the Twitterverse. Friends and family alike will be all, “WOW. They named their kid #Burdick.” They will want to share their joy and excitement over not only the birth, but the genius of the name itself. Soon #Burdick will be flying all over the Interwebs. From here on out, every announcement and milestone in little #Burdick’s life will incorporate the campaign we began from Day One.

“Who took his first steps? #Burdick!” Boom. Marketing genius.

Most importantly of course, #Burdick ensures our son will be poised to become the next great Internet sensation. Nay —Internet celebrity. We’ll also try to teach him values and kindness and blahblahblah. But, let’s face it, when this campaign takes off we can buy him all that stuff.

… Or we could just name him Michael.

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