What I Feared Most About Becoming a Mother

Image Source: Lauren Hartmann
Image Source: Lauren Hartmann

My husband was born to be a father.

He has always loved children and always been really good with them. When we got married at the tender ages of 22 and 23 he was ready to start a family right away. I, on the other hand, was a bit less enthusiastic. It wasn’t that I didn’t like children — I have a degree in human development and family sciences and had spent all of my working life working with kids — it was more the role of being a “mother” that I found off-putting.

Somewhere in my mind I had contrived this ridiculous idea of what a mom was like. She had a “mom bob” and wore conservative clothing and while she was wonderfully nurturing to her children, she was admittedly a bit boring. This mom I had concocted in my head spent her free time attending PTA meetings and heading up bake sales (I know, I know, apparently it’s the 1950’s somewhere deep in my brain) and she didn’t have time for friends or personal endeavors.

I didn’t want to become this made-up-in-my-mind mom. I wanted to have the freedom to go where I wanted and do as I pleased. I wasn’t ready to let go of spontaneous road trips and late nights out with friends, but above all I didn’t want motherhood to sap me of my heart and soul and creativity. I wanted my days to mean more than making mac and cheese and changing poopy diapers.

Four years into our marriage, my husband finally convinced me that we were ready for this baby-having business and so I agreed. I mean … I knew I wanted them eventually, so why not just go for it, right? I still remember all the thoughts and emotions that went through my head when I first saw those two pink lines on a pregnancy test six months later. I was equal parts excited and terrified (but mostly excited). Still though, I couldn’t seem to shake those anxieties about becoming that boring, uncreative, soul-sucked mom.

Fast forward to now. I have a 3.5-year-old and a one-year-old. I am ridiculously tired approximately 75% of the time and my fashion sense is admittedly a bit more boring and practical, but overall I have been pleasantly surprised by how inspiring motherhood has been.

Before I became a mom I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted, but the thing is … I didn’t really know what that was.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was basically just meandering through life without much of a plan or direction. I didn’t really love my job, but I didn’t actually know what I wanted to do.

Having children opened up a whole new career path for me. After becoming pregnant, I was invited to blog about parenthood and it reconnected me with a love of writing that I had lost touch with over the years. And now I’m a writer! I have a career I love and I never would have found that if I hadn’t become a parent. I have had so many opportunities to express myself creatively through my job as a writer and we have had so many fun opportunities as a family.

Image Source: Lauren Hartmann
Image Source: Lauren Hartmann

Aside from the career shift that motherhood has brought me, it has also encouraged my creativity to blossom in so many other ways and made my life so much more full. I’ve taken up painting and discovered a love for planning children’s parties. I have forayed into children’s wardrobe styling. I’ve made so many beautiful friendships with other moms as we’ve bonded over our motherhood journey and my relationship with my husband has become even deeper as we get to watch each other parent.

I have become more confident in who I am and where my value lies through being a mother.

Of course, there are days when I am exhausted. Days when I wish I could take the day off from mom duties, but those days aren’t particularly often. My children have brought so much more joy to my life than the freedom to take spontaneous road trips ever could have. They have helped me to find out who I really am and without even knowing it, have encouraged me to pursue my passions.

Motherhood is the most beautifully inspiring journey I have ever ventured — my ultimate muse.

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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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