It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that kids are not cheap. It starts with the prenatal doctor’s visits and ends with college. And that’s if you’re lucky. What some people, including rocket scientists, may not know is that the expenses for kids aren’t always what you think. Sure, diapers aren’t cheap, but there’s so much more than meets the eye … and drains the wallet.
Below are just nine experiences and explanations as to why kids are out of control costly.
1. Food wastage
It’s not your fault that all those chicken nuggets found their way into the trash today. I mean, yesterday — literally yesterday — they were your child’s favorite food and they whined all the way through dinner when you denied them the mystery-breaded meat chunk.
Today, though? Heck to the no, Mom. That is downright poisonous and how dare you try to serve it at lunch time? And it’s not like you can save them for another day when they are back in your toddler’s good graces because during the fit they threw at the table, they managed to destroy every single one into tiny pieces with their tiny, germ-ridden hands.
2. Post-potty training
Yay! Little Timmy is potty trained! No more diapers! This will save you so much money! Except that it won’t because now Timmy must use half a roll of toilet paper every time he goes potty.
Bonus expense: The plumber’s bill for when Timmy clogs the toilet.
For some reason, no family member heeds your “no battery operated toys, please!” plea on every birthday party announcement, so you wind up with all sorts of beeping, singing crap. Since every kid who passed by the toy when it was in the store made it go nuts, the toy lasts approximately seven seconds in your house before the batteries die and you have to buy new ones.
Bonus cost: Tiny screwdrivers, because heaven forbid toy manufacturers pick one size fits all screws for everything.
4. Your utility bills skyrocket
WHY CAN NOBODY IN THIS HOUSE TURN OFF A LIGHT?! And the water bill at least doubles because kids can’t seem to go seven seconds without being in dire need of a bath.
5. New furniture
That couch you bought just two years ago because it was such a great deal for something so sturdy? Yeah, it looks like it belongs in a college frat house now. Or like it’s already been to one. Poop, vomit, permanent markers, and stains you can’t even identify (thankfully) adorn your bed, their bed, the kitchen table, your desk chair … nothing is safe or clean or functional anymore.
Sure, these do serve a purpose. A bandage keeps the wound from getting infected or something, but to your kids they are pure magic and they’ll require one for every bump, bruise, or scrape. These are basically swag for the pint-sized hypochondriacs in your life.
7. Family photos
It is vital that you have photographic evidence of (fake) smiles and joy on your kid’s face to remind yourself that this whole parenthood thing is worth it, so you’ll spring for a professional who can actually get your kids to look at the stupid camera. The illusion of happiness is worth it.
8. Grocery shopping
You turn your back for one second and your child has tossed seven neon-colored boxes and bags into the cart. And you can’t just put them back on the shelf because they have managed to rip holes into all of them and are currently spilling the contents all over aisle four.
9. Mom’s night out
You need many, many, many of these because you deserve to blow off some steam and a couple bucks. And if you didn’t have kids, nights off wouldn’t be necessary so, really, it’s all their fault that you’re broke.