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If Men Could Breastfeed, Would We Even Be Good At It?

Image source: Thinkstock
Image source: Thinkstock

Breastfeeding.

People love to talk about it and jam their ideas about it down other people’s throats like some big unwanted boob of opinion. But like most things that have anything at all to do with raising a child, no one seems to agree on much when it comes to the specifics.

How long should I breastfeed my kid?

Can I do it in public?

Is it okay if I breastfeed someone else’s baby with their permission?

So enough of all these old discussions. It’s time to think about the question we have all been avoiding, the elephant in the room, the mother of all breast-ions (i.e. breast questions). Get ready to jump straight through a window pane, people, because here it is:

If men could breastfeed, would we be as good, or maybe even better at breastfeeding than women are?

Oh my goodness. Did you hear that? The internet just exploded. Seriously — I’m a man and I therefore am unequipped to breastfeed. But I’ve often thought: if I could, would I be good at it? Could I maybe even be excellent at it?

Check it out:

Women are great at breastfeeding — everyone knows that — but if men could breastfeed, wouldn’t our bigger bodies on average mean bigger breasts on average? And wouldn’t bigger breasts mean more milk? More is better, right? More is more. Too much is never too much. And if there was a lot of milk left over, trust me, we men would figure out a use for it. Our greed and avarice would likely kick in before long and we’d somehow get the idea that we could make money off of it somehow, you know?

Cars that run on breast milk anyone?

Oh snap.

Breast milk beer, y’all?

About time.

Ben & Jerry’s Baby Man Ice Cream made out of the world’s endless free oversupply of daddy milk?

Oh my. I’m pretty sure I just changed the course of human history forever in that last sentence. And you’re welcome, too.

Plus, let’s face facts: Men like to outdo one another. Whereas women — and mothers especially — have a dignified patience and a natural essence to the way they nurse babies, men would quickly get to work finding new, improved ways to get the damn job done quicker, and more efficiently. So before long, there would be dudes tinkering around in their garages creating contraptions and whatnot.

Over here: a strap-on electric Breast Flubber to help stimulate the male body to create more breast milk faster. Over there: a CO2-powered breast milk gun called NUTRI-QUICK! … a very clumsy looking device, but oh, the revolutionary aspects of men being able to suckle the bambino right up to his breast and then, with one pull of a handy trigger, POP! … a whole hour’s worth of breast milk is shot into the baby’s belly in .3 seconds of explosive nutrition. Time saved! Back to bed!

And don’t even get me started on the app possibilities? Are you kidding me? Oy vey.

I think women tend to underestimate men in the nighttime breastfeeding department, too. Okay, sure, dudes would probably rather stay in bed, asleep. And I’ll admit that in a perfect world most men would probably be okay with just sleeping through any of the racket at all, perfectly fine with dreaming a bulldozer dream right over top the reality of a 3-am-starving-child, even if it is their own.

Yet, as much as I want to, I can’t come up with how that one — our ability and need to sleep like logs — would change even if men were able to breastfeed. As a man and father and a reasonably sensitive partner to the needs of my three kids’ mom, I am still coming up empty on this one.

Ugh.

The truth is, no matter how badass men could possibly be at breastfeeding in the hypothetical, no matter how much they might invent and capitalize upon it were they ever to develop the super powers that feeding their own baby from their own body would ever allow them, the fact of the matter still remains that a little place called Hell would have to freeze over before anyone/anywhere/ in any part of the world would ever be able to locate a milky dad who would willingly get up off his sleeping butt between the hours of 11:15pm and 6am to breastfeed his own flesh and blood.

And because of that one little snafu, I guess we have to admit defeat here, guys.

Whatever.

Science sucks anyway.

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