It honestly feels like my heart is broken.
Yesterday was an incredibly difficult day after making the decision that it was time for us to say goodbye. Puff has been declining in heath rapidly over the past few months, and on Tuesday when I woke to find him in the bathroom, I knew it was time.
He was no longer himself and I could tell he was so unhappy. He lost the ability to climb stairs and was not able to see as much. He started having trouble holding his bladder and seemed to feel completely terrible when he went outside the litter box (out of his control). He was losing weight at a scary pace since he was not able to hold any food in.
I found him in the bath tub on Tuesday morning and my heart was broken. He was sitting there, covered in his own urine and vomit. He was so fragile as I cleaned him off and set him on one of the very few places he would spend his day.
I cried. He looked at me with such pain and sadness in his eyes. I didn’t want him to suffer any more. After 16 and a half years with this guy, this furry guy who has been through so much with me, I made the decision to let him go peacefully.
My husband called the vet since I was not able to speak. We made an appointment for the day after; it was time. I spend the rest of the day with him, holding him, carefully afraid to break his fragile body. That evening, we spent hours together with him sitting on me, cuddling him as we had nearly every night prior.
He looked me in the eyes as he’s done for the past 16 years trying to comfort me as I cried. I could tell in his eyes that he was tired and in that moment, I realized that I had made the right decision, impossibly hard as it was.
We slept, as we had for the past 16 years, with him on top my pillow. My head nuzzled into his.
He died yesterday.
In his favorite spot my arms.
The appointment we made the day before brought the veterinarian and her assistant to our bedroom, Puff”s favorite spot. Puff was given a sedative with Ming-Ming there to comfort him. He fell asleep on my pillow in less than 5 minutes. I cuddled him, I kissed him, and we took his paw prints.
The next needle stopped his heart and broke mine at the same time. He died very peacefully for which I was very thankful.
I’ve had Puff by my side for more than half my life. I’ve known him longer than my husband and my children. He’s been the one constant in my life and has been my confidant and friend through so much.
Trying to sleep last night without him on my pillow felt impossible.
Tonight will feel even more so.
Photo credit: © Devan McGuinness