Next month marks two years since I started my journey to motherhood. It’s not an anniversary I’m eager to celebrate. I thought, for sure, I’d be gearing up to celebrate a first birthday by this time, and not a “still no baby” post.
If you’ve followed my story from the beginning, you know that I keep a positive attitude — about 99 percent of the time. I think one of the reasons I’m able to stay so upbeat through this all is because I allow myself to feel the crappy days, the defeated moods. But sometimes, the day just gets you.
I write this today with a light heart, and I very loosely use the word hate. I actually don’t hate anyone. But, more times than one, I’ve found myself rolling my eyes — or totally cringing — at these 10 types of people you learn to hate when you’re trying to get pregnant. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?
1. Women With Four or More Kids
A single child is understandable. Two makes sense. Three is actually quite nice. But four? Or more? Today? Are you just trying to show off your fertility?
2. Pregnant Complainers
Oh, you’re tired of hugging the toilet bowl for hours? I know, I know. Your feet are so swollen you can barely walk. And you’re not sleeping well — or at all. And your other kid(s) is so demanding right now. And you look like you’re carrying triplets. I’m sure it sucks. Wanna trade? Here. Here’s my infertility. I’ll take your pregnancy complaints.
3. Unplanned “Oops”
You didn’t even try! No fair.
4. The Pregnancy Expert
And I don’t mean doctors. I mean the women who have the exact right answer on how to get pregnant. Relax. Keep your legs up for an hour. Orgasm. Take your trigger shot a few hours before they tell you to. Don’t eat meat. Have sex on the full moon while praying to the fertility goddesses and signing an Om prayer. Sure, I appreciate the advice. And honestly, I’m willing to try just about anything, so keep the advice coming. Just know that sometimes — just sometimes — I want to punch you and your answers in the face.
5. The Woman Who Gets Pregnant Her First Try
6. Teenage Moms
I could so be a better mother than you ever could. OK, so maybe that’s not totally true. But it is.
7. Deadbeat Parents
I think pretty much everyone hates a deadbeat. But seriously, you don’t even deserve the title of parent. Do you have any idea how hard I’m working for this?
8. 20-somethings Who Say They Never Want Kids
Yeah, I didn’t either. And now my ovaries are like the Sahara Desert and my biological clock is a huge middle finger. If you’re young (and somehow reading anything but Perez), go have your eggs frozen. You can send me a thank-you card in another 10 years.
9. Baby Killers
Any news or story of some heinous human being dumping their newborn in the dumpster, or flushing them down a drain, or throwing them out of a high-rise, or whatever else these crazy f%*$% do to babies makes me so.effing.mad. Here’s an open note to all the world: If you have a baby that you don’t want, I WILL TAKE HIM/HER. No need for murder.
You begin to think that maybe your body won’t ever work. Or that maybe you’re just not meant to be a mother. Or that you have some seriously terrible karma and you wonder what you did that was so bad for this to be your plight.