10 Wildly Inappropriate Answers To "When Are You Due?"

It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a smartmouth. Anyone who ever reads my personal blog will find it loaded with sarcasm, irreverence, and…well…cussing. I’m a trash talker at heart. It’s taken me years of practice to get good at saying the right things at the right times instead of letting my inner wiseass run rampant.

Unfortunately, pregnancy hormones don’t make keeping a civil tongue in my head easier. In fact, I think my filter is less complete than usual and I’m always in danger of popping out some really snarky responses to ordinary questions. As it stands now, my stock response to people asking if I know if I’m having a boy or a girl is “I’m not sure yet but it’s definitely one or the other!”. That usually elicits a laugh, thank heavens, because I can’t seem to make myself stop saying it.

Now that it’s clear that I’m in the last weeks of pregnancy, people are asking me all the time when I’m due. This is a perfectly reasonable question, it’s always asked politely, and there is no reason on earth that it should bother me. And, in fact, it doesn’t really bother me. It’s just that I’ve heard it so many times that I want to say something other than rattling off my planned delivery date over and over again. To amuse myself, I daydream about saying shocking things instead of the polite thing.

Here are ten answers I sometimes wish I could give when people ask when I’m due!

  • Yesterday 1 of 10
    I would never say this to anyone with a heart condition but it would be fun to see people's expressions!
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  • Due date? I don’t know. Hell, I don’t even know who the dad is! 2 of 10
    Saying this would be even funnier considering my fingers are too swollen to wear my wedding ring.
    Photo Credit: photo stock
  • Im due the day my husband gets out of jail! 3 of 10
    Actually, this scenario, if true, could probably get me a reality show.
    Photo Credit: photo stock
  • I have three months to go 4 of 10
    Then watch the person struggle to find an appropriate response.
    Photo Credit: photo stock
  • The 21st — but Im hoping I go late so the baby is Libra instead of a Virgo 5 of 10
    Astrology FTW!
    Photo Credit: photo stock
  • You think I look pregnant? 6 of 10
    Follow this one with tears to create the most socially awkward moment in history.
    Photo Credit: photo stock
  • Im not sure since this baby is a result of an alien abduction 7 of 10
    Betcha saying that would elicit total silence.
    Photo Credit: photo stock
  • My water just broke 8 of 10
    Cue mayhem if I say that!
    Photo Credit: photo stock
  • Shhhhh! Don’t say that loud enough for the baby to hear! We believe in letting children make their own choices 9 of 10
    This would probably only be believable if I were wearing hippie clothes.
    Photo Credit: photo stock
  • Soon! And Im going to have my placenta encapsulated! Would you like some? 10 of 10
    How does one politely turn down placenta, really?
    Photo Credit: photo stock

Photo credit: photo stock

Article Posted 6 years Ago

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