After three years, multiple IVF cycles, two devastating miscarriages, and countless setbacks … Aela’s road to motherhood has been anything but easy. Follow her story on Babble and don’t miss the latest chapter in her journey below.
Between my wife and I, we’ve now lost four babies. I’ve had two miscarriages of my own (one at 17 weeks with twins) and another at 10 weeks after the baby’s heart stopped beating. My wife had a miscarriage at 12 weeks after the baby never developed a heartbeat.
Miscarriage was the furthest thing from my mind when we set out on this journey over three years ago, and now we find ourselves in the club no one wants to belong to.
For us, especially, we thought it would be a simple matter of introducing some sperm into our bodies — that would be our biggest hurdle.
How wrong we were.
But all struggles in life come with their own lessons. Here’s what we’ve learned from multiple miscarriages.
1. Life really does go on.
Regardless of tragedy, life keeps moving forward. There comes a point, after allowing yourself to feel all the shitty feelings associated with losing a pregnancy, when you have to consciously decide to get back into the swing of life or get stuck — almost literally — in the past.
2. Your relationship will seriously be tested.
The loss of a pregnancy, let alone multiple pregnancies, will put your marriage through the ringer. I’ve seen couples not able to come through it together, and others who are made stronger by it. Either way, miscarriage will change your relationship.
3. It will also change you.
You will be another person after you lose a pregnancy. There’s no other way to say it. Everything is seen through a new lens. The way you look at yourself. The way you look at other mothers. The way you look at babies, pregnant women, diaper commercials. But it’s not just that. It’s something more. Multiple miscarriages harden your heart. You become jaded and there’s no amount of positive self-affirmations or guided meditation that can fully get rid of the effects of living through multiple pregnancy losses.
4. There are worse things in this world.
As tragic as it feels (and certainly is), there are worse things in this world than multiple miscarriages. It won’t feel like that at times, maybe not even most times. But then something happens — like 9 people getting murdered in a church, or your childhood friend’s niece dying of leukemia at 12 years old — and you realize that there is so much heartache, everywhere.
5. You also realize you can get through this.
You had one miscarriage and you tried again. You lost that pregnancy too. And maybe another one or a handful more after that. You keep trying. Why? Because you know you can get through this. And you hold on to hope. Sometimes you think you’re crazy, like it’s self-inflicted pain, but it doesn’t break you. Sure, it changes you. Your outlook becomes more bitter. Your relationship gets tested. But you don’t give up, because you’re so much stronger than you ever knew.More On