If you’ve been watching the news — or at the very least, checked social media in the last five minutes — then you likely know all about the riveting live feed of April the giraffe. This beautiful giraffe, who resides at the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York, has been pregnant for 15 months.
FIFTEEN MONTHS, PEOPLE. I’ll let that sink in for a minute.
Can you imagine being pregnant for 15 months?! If you’ve ever been an expectant mother who went way passed her due date, chances are, you can probably relate.
April is expected to give birth any minute now and when she does, she’ll likely be watched by millions of viewers on the zoo’s official Facebook page, which notes that April is a month overdue and counting.
As I sit here — super-duper pregnant myself and seriously missing the ability to have a glass of wine — I can’t help but look at April and wonder if she is suffering the same annoyances all us ladies endure in those final stages of pregnancy when we are ready to pop.
1. You get to field a billion comments about how huge you look.
And you probably have a canned response for the super original question, “Are you sure you’re not having twins?!” Because, of course a mom-to-be wouldn’t know a tidbit like that.
2. You’re like a turtle on her back when you sit or lie down, and walking is more like waddling.
Try having a 20-ish pound (living) bowling ball attached to your abdomen that throws your equilibrium off, cuts off your field of vision from seeing things like, say, the floor directly in front of you, and renders your ab muscles totally useless. I can’t remember the last time I tied my own shoes, people.
3. Food. Is. The. Enemy.
Food may be considered something of a favorite pastime for most pregnant ladies, but thanks to indigestion, lack of physical space, and being just too darn tied to do one more thing (even if it is eating), food actually becomes the anti-hero in the last trimester.
4. Doctors keep asking you to pee in a cup.
Um, hello, this is like asking a drunk person to walk a straight line. I cannot manage to pee in a cup without splashing. Why? Because I can’t freaking see my southern parts enough to even aim the cup right.
5. There is no such thing as relaxing.
How can you relax when you’re constantly wondering when labor will begin? OR WORSE, when you start early labor and it literally lasts for WEEKS and you start to think that you actually will be pregnant forever.
6. You have to pee approximately 27 times a day … no, make that 28 … oh wait, 32 … GAH!
You may as well just spend your days in the bathroom at this point.
7. Sleep? What sleep?
No, really, because what I do in bed at night looks more like a beetle trying to flip itself over. According to the recommendations, you’re supposed to sleep on your left side. But then your hips start to ache thanks to the hormone relaxin, and you can’t gracefully flip over, and you definitely can’t sleep on your back. So, you wrestle your pillows until the sun rises.
8. When you suddenly get gas, you actually get super excited that labor might finally be starting.
I’m not even kidding, one good fart pang in your abdomen, and you’ll immediately wonder whether you should grab your go-bag.
9. You haven’t seen your feet, lady parts, or really anything beyond the top of your belly in months.
And, oh Lordy, you just realized that a whole bunch of strangers are about to see it ALL. Yikes!
10. You are so completely over maternity pants, decaf, and mocktails, and instead of daydreaming about 10 little toes, you’re trying to remember what a zipper and a belt feels like.
By the time you’re waddling passed your due date, you’ll start to daydream about how cool stretch marks are …
But enough of all that — here’s hoping for a speedy and safe birth for our poor April the giraffe. She deserves it!