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Dad’s Brutally Honest Account of His Wife Giving Birth Will Make You LOL

This new father’s take on childbirth is EVERTHING.

Brad Kearns, a father of two from New South Wales, Australia (known as DadMum online), posted a heartfelt message about his wife giving birth to his Facebook page on Monday. And it is his raw, no-nonsense words that have folks everywhere singing his praises.

“I’ve always thought of myself as pretty cool under pressure. But the first time I got that call that my wife’s waters had broken, something changed. The excitement of almost being a dad went straight out the window because holy f*ck, a tiny human was about to come out of my wife,” Brad writes.

I did some digging on Brad’s Facebook page and any man that describes himself by saying, “My jokes are terrible, my language is foul, my grammar is poorly. But above all that, my words are honest” should have a special place in all our hearts. Bad dad jokes with some F bombs thrown in? Sign me up.

Brad goes on to describe his wife’s labor in excruciating detail. “Now as a man I obviously couldn’t feel the pain. But let me tell you, when those contractions were hitting, I had a pretty good idea what was going on.” Alright Brad, I’m beginning to like you. So, I’m going to give you a hall pass here. You have zero idea what’s really going on. But I appreciate your enthusiasm.

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Brad accurately captures the anxiety couples have gone through since the beginning of time. Childbirth literally happens every day but somehow in the moment, you think you are the only one who has ever gone through anything quite as monumental. He describes the sheer frustration of encountering composed hospital workers by saying, “old lady casually opens the door like it’s a book club meeting and I’m 20 minutes early. Like she was already angry at me because she had to put down her tea. F*ck out of my way woman, my wife is having a baby!” We feel you, Brad. We feel you.

And when we think we’ve laughed all we can, Brad decides to get to the heart of the matter. I think he captures the beauty of the moment most by saying, “You really don’t know what love is until you’ve hosed your naked partner down with warm water in front of complete strangers. This sh*t was like something off the Discovery channel.” No kidding, Brad. Try actually being the one birthing another human being. If you really want to know what it feels like, picture the most gruesome war scene from Saving Private Ryan. Wait, forget Ryan, someone needs to save my privates.

Brad’s story has already garnered 3.2K likes and 1K shares since it was posted on Monday. It is prompting people from around the world to share their own birthing stories, some equally as funny. And so it goes, Brad continues to capture our hearts until the very end. “Childbirth is actually amazing. I don’t get how they even go through that?”

I must admit, it would be a lot harder without partners like you.

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