I’m nearly 32 weeks with this baby boy. It’s been such a roller coaster of emotions and intensity since it’s high risk, and quite honestly I’ve never really felt the guilt of another pregnancy after loss. Even knowing this baby is a boy.
I lost my twin boys last year at 20 weeks, and 7 months later I was pregnant again. I remember several people kindly telling me, “You may feel guilty, but it doesn’t change what happened so try not to!” I kept waiting for the guilt of carrying another baby to sink in, but it never did. Sadness at the loss? Yes. A hard time really connecting to this one the first two trimesters? Absolutely. Back and forth emotions knowing I was supposed to be knee deep in two sets of everything and instead I was just experiencing pregnancy symptoms all over again? Yep.
Never guilt though.
Until last week.
Sam and I took Bella to Babies R Us to get a few things. We don’t have anything but some essentials from Bella, and I felt like I was ready to start buying stuff just for our newest addition. Once we stood in that little boy aisle, full of whales and dinosaurs and “Mommy’s Little Boy” stuff everywhere, I suddenly was awash with guilt. Not for anything specific. If I had to pinpoint it, it would be a mixture of guilt for my body failing to carry the twins to delivery.
The guilt of knowing had they made it, the child I carry wouldn’t be on his way soon.
What a strange combination.
Instead of trying to process it all or tell myself it was or wasn’t okay to feel a certain way, I just let myself feel that way. We bought a few things and left. I pondered the thought of how if the twins had been born last August and then I got pregnant with this boy in November, I would have likely been sent into a coma and I had to smile. Mostly I just let it be. I get tired of trying to figure it out and find an “answer” for everything so often in this process.
About a week later I had a thought—if something happened to me, and I didn’t make it to 30 years old—how would I want my parents to react when my little sister turned that age? Would I wish they ignored their pain or felt sad all through her 30th? Would I want them to always look back and wonder, “What if?” Would I every feel replaced, no matter what they did to try to ease the sorrow?
I realize this might be a bit morbid, but it really did help. I don’t know any child, young or older, that would want their family to have a hard time celebrating other children’s lives/milestones or move on in whatever way they felt was best.
Do you know what I mean?
I feel like the twins would want me to just focus on getting ready for this baby, while this baby will be okay with me always missing them. And I will. It was a relief to think that way—I can have both emotions and not feel guilty about it.
I can miss and want them both; both circumstances, both lives, and not have to feel bad about it.
Photo credit: my own
Diana blogs on raising a toddler daughter, the loss of her twin boys, and a baby boy on the way on the aptly named Hormonal Imbalances. Smaller glimpses into her day are on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.
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