As you may already know, we’re gearing up to get my wife knocked up. You may also know we lost our twins at 17-weeks pregnant — well after we were in the “safe” time of pregnancy. And I’ve discussed my fears about being pregnant after my miscarriage. But I’m not the one who’s going to be pregnant this time. It’s my wife.
So why do I still feel nervous, anxious, worried?
I remember after losing the twins, I got an email from a reader who also experienced pregnancy loss in the 2nd trimester. She said, “you’re now in a club that nobody wants to be part of.” And she was right, I learned. I also learned that this club is serious. The women who belong to it are fierce. We get each other in ways that women who haven’t experienced loss just can’t — and none of us want to be here.
Most of the moms I’ve met in the club want to try again for a healthy pregnancy, and they have no choice but to be the ones to continue on trying to get pregnant after their loss — since most of them are straight, their spouse can’t try to be the pregnant one. That’s not my story. My wife can try, and that’s where we are right now.
When it was me who was still trying, the fear of miscarriage was still present. Even though it’s been nearly two years since our loss, the fear is real.
Now it’s my wife, and I think I’m still afraid.
I try to be positive and to keep a hopeful outlook, mostly because I know worrying does no one any good. But also because I know there isn’t a reason in the world that I should fear the outcome of my wife’s pregnancy. She’s healthy. Her body has never lost a baby.
But neither had mine. Until it did.
Pregnancy loss changes you. Any mom who has lost a pregnancy knows that. It’s all stuff you don’t want: the miscarriage; the club; the knowledge … it all changes you.
I am a positive, hopeful person. I have great confidence in our future. I do. Truly. I know that my wife can and will have a healthy and successful pregnancy.
But I’d be a liar if I said the fear didn’t get me at times. I wonder if it will ever go away.
What if — God forbid — my wife does miscarry? Will I blame myself for that, too? Will I feel responsible because she’s only trying because I can’t?
Can we survive another loss? Of course we can, but how do we?
A large part of me feels guilty simply for writing this. For tossing these fears out there. But like so much of this journey, I need to write it out of me. Throw it out there and be done with it.
Wait for my wife to be pregnant, and let our lives overflow with joy, joy, joy.