There was a time over 7 years ago when the idea of pregnancy was so magical and I couldn’t wait to experience it. I thought about how weird it would be to feel something moving inside you, watching your body change, while you bonded with this human that you made. I thought about those first few days and weeks at home where I would be filled with more love than I could imagine and this amazing sense of family. I was nervous and scared about the life changes that came with being responsible for someone else, the big decisions I would have to make about the life of this little person. I was nervous about how it would change my life course, my relationship, and my body. I continually thought about all the amazing new things that I was going to experience.
Then, I had my first miscarriage.
Then a second loss was followed by a third loss, and then I was pregnant again.
Pregnancy became more than just this life I was carrying and thinking and worrying about their future. My thoughts now were about if they would have a future, if I would become a mom to a living and thriving child, and the conflicting feelings of fear and excitement. I was no longer concerned about the after-fact of having a child. I was more focused on how I could carry this baby to term.
The loss of pregnancy or a child changes everything. You mourn the loss of your child, dodge less-than supportive comments, fight to find a new normal, and the innocence of pregnancy has been changed in your eyes forever.
If you’ve not lost that amazing innocence, it may be hard to understand the effects that this experience can have. Pregnancy is no longer this miracle that occurs — something that you stand back and watch. It becomes scarier — not because of how things will change, but because of a hope that things will change.
That history won’t repeat itself.
I am looking forward and hoping with all of my heart that I become pregnant again soon. I am so over battling this 13+ months of infertility and managing my side effects from the treatment. I know that my struggle won’t be over when those two lines finally show up on a pregnancy test — history may repeat itself like it has 12 times over.
I wish that I could have that innocence back.
Photo credit: adapted from iStockPhoto