Can we hashtag this with #irony? Really.
I want to start with a bit of a backstory for those of you who might not know. I started seeing my therapist, who specializes in loss and grief, 3 months after losing my twins at 20 weeks in May. So about 7ish months ago. She is an amazing woman who has been through a lot of the same experiences as me, and who deeply understands my loss. It’s been such an incredibly healing experience to begin to work on myself with her help and guidance.
Friday I went to my session after nearly 3 weeks of hit and miss – her being sick, me being gone – and when I sat down, I heard her say, “I have some news…”
I looked up and for sure she did! She was pretty obviously pregnant, and I squealed. “I’m just a few weeks behind you,” she said, and I noticed she seemed really nervous but happy. I was astounded how fast she was showing, and it never even crossed my mind it could be two.
Even though, I knew she has gone through IVF before.
I have no idea how this couldn’t have entered my brain, but for some reason it didn’t and I kept chatting away about how excited I was for her, asking how far along, etc. She hesitated during a break and said, “So we may have to work on transference in here now – for my pregnancy.”
I looked at her completely confused. She was having a baby, so was I, this was such a blessing – did she really think I would lose it over her telling me that? Or..?
I want to tell you SO much that right here I hugged her or threw confetti, but instead I burst into tears.
I hated that was my reaction. I still do.
She waited and I could see her tear up, I was SO SHOCKED that for a few minutes I couldn’t find any words at all. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, obviously she wasn’t like, “I’m pregnant with your twins.” Knowing how much she’d been through to get to this point, what a wonderful woman she is; I felt awful that I couldn’t muster anything more than a, “I’m so sorry, it was just a bit of a surprise.”
We spent a good portion of that session talking about this, in a way it was almost a relief to deal with her pregnancy, right there, in my face. I want so badly to not have this reaction forever, this is probably a great place to start. A safe place with someone who completely understands, from a non-emotional view, why I would cry. No offense taken, no hurt feelings, no angry words. She got it, and I was able to start to work on issues that are still there.
She has said that if I need to transfer to another therapist at any point she’ll understand completely, but I’ve shared so much of my life and feelings with her I really can’t fathom starting over. Especially with us moving in a few months. It’s been 11 months since I lost my sons. This is a point where I think it’s good for me to begin to work through this. Maybe I’ll never be “happy” immediately, there will always be a sharp pang there, but I’d love to not burst into tears.
On another note, I realized I feel incredibly protective of her and those babies already. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, and I know how hard twin pregnancies can be. Hers has been rough. I pray each night she’s able to make it to viability and beyond. It’s an odd mix of feelings to sort out.
I’m working on it. It might get harder in the months to come, but I’m hoping from this experience I’m able to grow as a person, as a mom who grieves and rejoices.