My Pregnant Wife Is Turning Me On

When you really think about it, trying  to define physical attraction with mere language and words is pretty pointless stuff.

See, the thing is, being turned on by someone is actually a language of its own. And in many ways, it is a more advanced form of communication than French or Italian or English or whatever. Where words fail us, where language stops at the curb of a towering cliff, teetering on the edge and sighing with last-minute relief, sexual desire simply hurls itself out into that sweet and crazy abyss.

So, you can have your 50 Shades of Grey and your pulpy bodice-rippers.

And you can even keep your Shakespeare and your Barry White, too.

Because when it all comes down to being wholly and completely mesmerized by another human being, when it all adds up to your blood baking in your veins like summertime mud, until you can barely stand the very sight of a person because you want them and their caveman attention so bad, there is no point in even trying to put it in words.

You just have to decide, really. Are you going to follow the feeling down? Or are you going to channel it somewhere else? Which all brings me to this little revelation I’ve been having on and off for the past five years or so.

I am way way turned on by my pregnant wife.

I have no idea why. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have some idea, I think. I understand all of the stuff people initially spout off about when it comes to how “beautiful” pregnancy is on a woman. I get it that we are all supposed to get all sanctimonious when we preach from the mountaintop just how invigorating and sublime a big fat baby belly on the woman in our lives makes us feel.

And I know that it is both morally and ethically right to admit to the world that we find pregnant ladies just as lovely as a spot of afternoon tea in the bright sunny garden.


What I am talking about here is something much different, something darker and crazier and confusing and powerful. And awesome. People, listen up. I’m talking about the fact that my pregnant wife is driving me physically insane and I am having a hard time keeping my own innermost James Deen locked up in the basement of the glorified seedy motel I call “control.”

And it isn’t something new, either. This goes back five or six years, when my wife, Monica, became pregnant with our first child, Violet. Something snapped in me. New juice started ramming my volts. And before long, as she became more and more pregnant, I became more and more, well… horn dog.

Now, I’m there again. She’s in the final two months of carrying our third child, a little guy–thank you very much–and I find myself craving her/wanting her/needing her/ummm… stalking her (?) to the point where I am a possible liability to other dudes. When I see a guy looking at her in the mall, either checking her out or simply glancing right through her, I get all Gladiator inside and I want to take him out with a double-copter swirl kick, ninja twist at the end.

When dudes like pictures of her sizzling pregnant body on Facebook, I want to message them that I am watching–and that I am on my way. Or even when dudes click “Like” on something clever or innocuous she has written on her Facebook wall, I am avalanched by these total and absolute urges to grab her hair and kiss her hard and fast, with major teenage tongue, before I set out to kick the asses of, like, 67 innocent fellas who probably click 30 or 40 “Likes” in a row every half hour. (I know who you guys are, btw, and I KNEW you’d find your way here within a few hours.)

Anyway, phew. Let me catch my breath here.

I guess what I am trying to say is this.

My wild-eyed sexuality, my carnal urgency has always been vast and almost overwhelming, ever since I was like 8 and saw my first policewoman (sorry, that’s a whole other post). But it has never pushed the tides like it is pushing them now, today.

No marriage is perfect. No love affair is without its share of challenges and doubts. And no two people who have ever wanted each other like burning rabbits manage to maintain that desire at a steady fever pitch, day in and day out, for decades. It comes and goes, the jungle attraction does.

But what I am finding out is this:

When your sexual desire for a single solitary person comes and goes with a certain woman who is pregnant and who is your wife of almost 10 years, and who is damn hot when she isn’t pregnant but who is making you smash your teeth against your jaw as you try and hold on to the very last shreds of your restraint as she sighs and walks across the living room floor, decked out in her loosest knocked-up stuff, her back arched to keep her from tipping over, and when you realize that you are feeling more and more devilishly affected by her very subtle movements, wrist turns and toe flicks, and by the strength and patience she is exhibiting on a daily basis as she cooks up life down inside her, and quite frankly, and not not-embarrassingly at all, when you find your actual soul and your spirit and your you-know-what spellbound and imprisoned by the endless sightings of this 1955 Pin Up Girl-style voluptuousness you are forced to tiptoe around more or less all the time, as sex with you is the furthest thing from her mind and she’d rather see you turn into a Chipotle burrito than bed you, then you can rest assured that words will fail you, as they have failed me, but that the explosive turn-on going off within you is probably the purest, coolest one you will ever know.

And that it is a sign of what you’re really all about: the physical, the emotional, the spiritual, the soulful, the intellectual, and the red hot and sexual.

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself, as I sit here biting my lip until it almost bleeds, contemplating her and us and pregnancy and a few things that are far too raunchy for us just talking on the free internet.

  • My Wife 1 of 16

    I married a stunning person, outside and in. But, whenever she is pregnant, something comes over me. Some kind of wild desire.

  • Hard to Explain 2 of 16

    It's hard to explain why some guys or girls are way into their partners when they're pregnant. But whatever the fleeting reason may be, I think maybe it indicates a sort of super bond between people as pregnancy makes brings them closer--and in my case, incites rampant lust.

  • Sexy Mind 3 of 16

    Of course, there's usually more to any sexual attraction than just animal instinct. In my case, my wife Monica's brilliant mind has always been a massive turn on for me. So, whenever I know I am having a child with this woman and that her mind will be a huge part of our baby's mind, too: I find that irresistibly hot.

  • Subtle Sexiness 4 of 16

    The way she smiles her tired smile at the end of a long day; watching her put makeup on slowly at her vanity when she doesn't know I'm looking; even just the way she curls up on the couch while we watch some TV, her hands resting on her belly, on our unborn son. Major turn-ons, one and all.

  • All About the Belly 5 of 16

    What is it about that big, round belly brimming with life? I don't know, but whatever it is, it's got me brimming with life, too, if you know what I'm saying...

  • Tenacious M 6 of 16

    Even when I am trying to hold her hair back as she hollers at me while she is puking up her favorite burrito and peeing her pants at the same time, it's no lie: Monica pregnant just gets me hot. See, I like real. And I like beautiful girls in a bit of real distress. And pregnancy offers me a bit of both. So yeah... I win.

  • Her Smile 7 of 16

    Something about the way pregnancy seems to make my wife's smile come a little slower and last a little longer whenever she is laughing or happy about something drives me wild. It's different than usual, less energy maybe. But all I know is that I dig it big time.

  • Righteousness 8 of 16

    A woman who will head out in the freezing cold to march for something she rabidly believes in even though she is super pregnant? Oh hell yes. That makes my heart race like a teenage kid.

  • Fashionably Knocked-Up 9 of 16

    When ever my wife gets all "street" or "elegant" or "Paris 1953" with her clothes even though she's many months pregnant, I just lose my damn mind. The sight of her, looking chic or a little punk or whatever, it takes my breath away and drives me up the wall.

  • Love the Curves 10 of 16

    Some guys like their ladies so pencil-thin that you can see through their skin. But not me. I love the modified curves and heightened voluptuousness that come around when Monica is pregnant. And I never stop staring at her, which probably freaks her out.

  • Never Stop 11 of 16

    To me, the fact that Monica and I never ever really stop talking about how insanely excited we are to meet this next baby in her belly is a thing that makes me ultra-attracted to her in a lot of ways. Mostly, I think it's because I love knowing that she is glad to be having a baby with me, even though I am probably 75% doofus. And just knowing that makes me want her more and more.

  • Photo Shoot 12 of 16

    I once did a photo shoot of Monica while she was very very pregnant with our daughter. Super hot. Beautiful. Sexy. My favorite pics ever.

  • Blood 13 of 16

    Of course, just seeing your pregnant partner standing there in front of you while she holds another one of your children ought to be a turn-on in a way. Lucky for me, it really is, because, I'm sorry but there is nothing sexier than a devoted mommy carrying your baby in her belly. Nothing.

  • The Scent of a Woman 14 of 16

    Is there some kind of a magnetic, black magic scent that a woman with child gives off to the man she shares her cave house with? I'm starting to think there might be. I'm starting to think that I am under some kind of spell or something, because the my desire for her hardly ever takes a rest. 

  • Seeing Things 15 of 16

    Look, if you play your cards just right and take a long and deep look at the woman in your life during the months when she is pregnant, I am truly beginning to believe that you can come to some mind-blowing discoveries about both her and yourself.

  • Desire 16 of 16

    You can desire another person, sexually and spiritually and mentally, for a million different reasons and in a million different ways. But when you desire them for so many of them, all at once, and if she is pregnant on top of everything else, well, it's no guarantee, but that's when some people finally come to understand the very real foundation of their desire. Because understanding that you are in love with a person isn't always easy. Yet it's the biggest turn-on of them all.

You can also find Serge on his personal blog, Thunder Pie . And on Twitter

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