"No Baby This Month" and the Disappointment of Losing What You Never Had

Sara and I are into the third month of our fertility journey, and today we found out that June won’t be the month we get pregnant. There’s a slew of medical reasons and mumbo-jumbo behind the whys of our inability to move forward this month.

But all I can can hear are the doctor’s words, “No baby this month.”

My wife is amazingly supportive, as always. She was right there to take my hand as we walked out of the doctor’s office today, and pulled me close as soon as we got outside because she knew I was going to start crying. And I did.

I’ve never had an issue living in and enjoying the present moment. Sure, I’ve reflected on the past and at certain times in my life, I even longed for the past. But when life is good and happy and whole, it’s very easy to “be in the moment” and appreciate all it has to offer. This fertility journey is testing my ability to be thankful for the now.

I’m disappointed and I don’t want to pick my disappointment up off the floor just yet. I want to live in the moment of missing the baby I will not create this month.

When you want so badly to have a baby, every day becomes about making that happen. You do things that you normally wouldn’t do, like inject synthetic hormones into your gut every night. I’ve been holding off getting a dress for my cousin’s October wedding because I didn’t know if I’d need a different size by then. Today’s news changes that.

There is so much planning that goes into the planning of a pregnancy, especially an IVF pregnancy, that I wonder how others enjoy the here and now and don’t let thoughts of the future consume them. They say stress and worry don’t help the situation any, but it is so dang hard not to worry. And it’s even harder not to get stressed out by it all.

My friends immediately came forward with all the good and right words: everything in its time; it often takes women six months to get pregnant the old-fashioned way; take this time to gear your fertility plan more to your wishes; the little person you’re meant to have just isn’t hanging out in your ovaries this month, but soon. And my wife: Patience, Aela. Patience.

Not my strongest virtue.

But staying positive is, which is all the more reason this is so trying. My initial reaction is not, “Oh, goody. Let’s wait until July!” No. I’m disappointed and I don’t want to pick my disappointment up off the floor just yet. I want to live in the moment of missing the baby I will not create this month. It’s hard not to look at this month as a complete waste. I know how anti- “staying positive” that sounds. But it’s only the 4th, and I dread the next three weeks.

So, what’s the low-down on why we can’t try this month? After 15 days on Lupron — the hormone that was supposed to “quiet” my ovaries and slow down my ovulation process — my ovaries are doing what they want to do anyway: getting ready to produce eggs. For a while, I couldn’t understand why that was a bad thing for this journey. I mean, we want eggs, right? The “problem” with my ovaries (and it’s solely a problem for IVF purposes), is that they drop my eggs early (totally not a technical term), which means that my eggs have the potential to be “immature.” Immature eggs are not ideal for IVF, and the doctors want ideal eggs to fertilize.

Perhaps it’s so frustrating because I know my body is doing what it’s supposed to do; it’s just not doing what it’s supposed to do for IVF.

Lupron has given me night sweats and nightmares, anxiety and edginess, and a period that has been heavy and long — on my eighth day now, never in my life. But it has not calmed my ovaries down. The one thing it was intended to do. So, the doctors will reassess my plan, and created a new one that more strictly addresses my early ovulation and un-calmable ovaries. Which means: No baby this month.

Sure, I’ll get a good night’s sleep and pick that disappointment up tomorrow morning and get on with it all, knowing that the words of my friends are, indeed, true. Our little baby will make her or his way into this world at another time. Just not June.

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