Now That I’m Pregnant, I Have This Guilty Feeling I Can’t ShakeDevan McGuinness
When that pregnancy test turned positive over 5 weeks ago, I couldn’t believe it. It’s not that I had that “oh no how am I going to tell my husband” reaction as if getting pregnant wasn’t planned and it’s not like it should have been a surprise. We had been trying for 14 months to see those two lines on the test. I had been through testing, chore sex, multiple doses of fertility medications, daily vitamins and medications, a new eating and exercise routine and yet, I was shocked. Stunned that it’s all worked for me and my body did what it’s supposed to do.
When you live with infertility for any given period of time, it’s not strange to begin to think it will never happen. I was there — ready to live with what I was facing. I was ready to take a break from it all and re-group my emotions and heart. I was seeing the toll infertility was taking on my body, my self-esteem, my marriage, and I decided to take a 3-month break.
Until that test turned positive and new emotions started to flood in.
Early pregnancy is a strange time for me. Now that I had gotten over the hurdle of getting pregnant, I was faced with my other enemy — staying pregnant. I have a hard time connecting with the life growing within during the first trimester. It’s not like it will make anything easier if something does happen, but it’s a small way I guard my heart.
Except I was pregnant — and I felt really guilty about it.
Over the course of my fight with infertility, I connected with a lot of women and couples who were fighting the fight to get pregnant as well. We talked a lot about what treatments we’ve tried, what naturopathic methods we’re going through, the pain we feel with every pregnancy announcement, the guilt we feel from that pain, and we checked in month after month on how the cycle is going.
How was I going to tell these women that I’m now one of those pregnant people that we would all vent about? How could I tell them that it’s worked for me when they’re still fighting? How do I announce this without giving them those pains that I felt so often over the course of those 14 months?
The guilt of being the one causing them pain has stuck with me. The guilt of surviving and moving past infertility and feeling the symptoms of pregnancy and watching my belly swell, when they’re still screaming and waiting, oh the waiting.
It’s such a strange feeling. I thought the guilt would be over when I was pregnant, no longer feeling that guilty anger when I heard a pregnancy announcement. I was wrong though — another facet of the ever-confusing infertility.
Photo credit: istockphoto
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