10 Most Inappropriate Books for New ParentsErin Behan
Sure bedtime stories are great for your little ones, but sometimes parents need a good bedtime read. Parents should chill out while their newborns are finally sleeping. From books filled with sarcasm to worst-case scenarios, here are some hilarious bedtime reads.
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1. Go the F**k to Sleep
You may want to order Adam Mansbach’s Go the F**k to Sleep for any parents or soon-to-be-parents in your life. With cute cuddly lines that start like any other children’s book and end with a version of the rather adult title refrain — “The cubs and lions are snoring/ Wrapped in a big snuggly heap/ How is it you can do all this other great sh*t/ But you can’t lie the f**k down and sleep?” — it’s easy to see how this will be a hit with sleep-deprived parents everywhere.
2. Sh*t My Dad Says
Sh*t My Dad Says picks up where the insanely popular Twitter feed left off. Author Justin Halpern describes his now 74-year-old father and his blunt bits of parenting wisdom as a “mixture of honesty and insanity.” Advice on table manners and potty training — “You are 4 years old. You have to sh*t in the toilet” — are given with profane and off-color humor that is as funny as it is (almost always inappropriately) true. It will have parents-to-be reflecting on their own less-than-perfect early years and cutting themselves a break.
3. The Inappropriate Baby Book: Gross and Embarrassing Memories from Baby’s First Year
Anyone can gift a precious-looking baby memory book, but the Inappropriate Baby Book says “you are going to be one awesome set of parents that won’t lose your sense of humor alongside your total loss of a social life.” Parents can record dates and stories of baby’s first rectal thermometer reading, the first person he or she peed on, and the color of baby’s first poop. Author Jennifer Stinson originally made the book for a friend, and demand turned it into an official 32-page work that covers the chaotic early days of a child’s life.
4. Baby’s First Tattoo: A Memory Book for Modern Parents
This inappropriate baby memory book covers the early days (diameter of baby’s head, diameter of hole baby’s head came through, saint’s name who administered the epidural) and also hits such high points as baby’s first DUI, and, yes, baby’s first tattoo. New parents will certainly appreciate Jim Mullen’s humorous take on all things child-rearing and the 80 pages of inappropriate memories to one day share with their child’s first date.
5. What to Expect When You’re Expected: A Fetus’s Guide to the First Three Trimesters
A cutting and smart parody on the ubiquitous What to Expect When You’re Expecting pregnancy book, What to Expect When You’re Expected by David Javerbaum is written with the unborn in mind. The book walks a prospective baby (and parent) from zygote stage onward, stopping along the way for an introduction to the neighbors (G-spot and anus) and a discussion of the “best weeks ever” (36-40) for the young fetus. Not for the faint of heart, but, then again, neither is parenthood.
6. Eats, Poops & Leaves: The Essential Apologies, Rationalizations, and Downright Denials Every New Parent Needs to Know and Other Fundamentals of Baby Etiquette
Though it includes no grammatical tips for new parents, this book includes plenty of sarcasm-laced advice for pregnant women and their partners. Birth classes are helpfully put into perspective: “After spending hours crammed into uncomfortable chairs, making awkward conversations to strangers … birth itself will seem like a vacation.” Fathers learn to encourage breastfeeding to avoid participating in 3 a.m. feedings. New parents might not want to take author Adam Wasson’s advice on naming (“There has never been a stripper named Eunice.”) but will certainly enjoy his lighthearted take on the topic.
7. Safe Baby Handling Tips
Sure books with words are helpful, but books with clever illustrations outlining the Do’s and Don’ts of parenting are priceless — especially when they are as funny as the ones in Safe Baby Handling Tips. The board book by Wry Baby founders, David and Kelly Sopp, offers helpful hints on introducing baby to pets, checking baby’s diaper and testing baby’s bottle. Although new parents may not come away with the exact temperature to reheat breast milk, they will come away with more than a few chuckles.
8. The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Parenting
If there was ever a topic for the Worst-Case Scenario book series, it’s parenting. This edition covers parental nightmares such as a screaming baby on an airplane (alcohol is suggested … for parents), how to get your baby to sleep and how to protect yourself from unwanted wetness. There’s even a diagram for making a diaper out of napkins! Authors Joshua Piven, David Borgenicht and Sarah Jordan take new parents from birth to the unthinkable — how to survive if your child moves back in.
9. Pat the Daddy: A Parody
Alongside the requisite Pat the Bunny baby shower gift, you’ll want to slip in this hilarious parody for the oft-ignored dads. Pat the Daddy illustrates the trials and tribulations of being a dad and hits many of the universal truths of fatherhood along the way. For good measure, throw in Kate Merrow Nelligan’s Pat the Husband and make it a box set.
10. Porn for New Moms: From the Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative
Those looking for nudity will have to turn elsewhere, but if a shot of a hunky guy happily doing diaper duty turns you (or your friends) on, this is the book to buy or gift. The Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative is betting that photo captions like “Damn! You look hot in those sweatpants” will inspire new moms to smile, and even — perhaps — their husbands to pick up a little on the housework.