Remember Simon van Kempen from The Real Housewives of New York? The boozing, aspirational Brooklyn dad with incomprehensible taste and a mid-90’s Caesar? Even if you don’t know what I’m talking about, please enjoy the following. It’s his wife Alex McCord’s description of how he ejaculated on her while she gave birth to her son:
“Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he’d actually ejaculated though hadn’t felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it’s not too far a stretch to say that it’s a profound experience.”
Thank you Tracie Egan Morrissey of Jezebel for drawing my attention to the above passage in McCord and van Kempen’s 2010 parenting memoir/manual “Little Kids, Big City.” Like Morrissey, I’m stunned. I’ve seen a baby paw it’s way out of an amniotic sac, I’ve watched a water birth in the Red Sea, I’ve seen a woman singing opera during contractions. But this?
I don’t want to judge. Everyone is different, couples handle birth is such personal ways, yadda, yadda…. But, as a former RHONY devotee, I can’t resist tooling on Simon just a little bit. The show frequently revolved his icky, TMI gaffs; this may be his finest yet.
Though it took me some convincing, I have come around to the fact that some women actually do have orgasms during childbirth. This is partly because they’re bodies are flooded with oxytocin– a hormone that causes contractions and is also, amazingly enough, released during climax. But I can’t think of a single physiological reason for this happening to the guy during labor?! Only a possible psychological explanation: Simon cannot get over himself for one minute. Even as his wife is pushing a baby out, he’s in some soft focus bubble of narcissistic ecstasy. I told you I couldn’t resist tooling on him. If you’ve the show, you know what I’m talking about. But hey, once again, different strokes… Alex seemed to think it was all a part of a wonderful birth experience so whaddaya know?