Before my twins died, I would read about people on blogs and Facebook who would post things seen that day they took as signs meant for them from their children in heaven. I thought this was a beautiful thing, and didn’t really give much other thought to it. Although I did ponder if everyone who lost a baby felt this, had some special reminder.
Often it was butterflies, a rainbow, a certain type of flower. I wondered if I ever lost a baby if I’d have the same thing happen.
But it never has. There isn’t anything that really strikes me as being a sign or reminder of my sons. I mean, everything reminds me. It’s just nothing in particular. Maybe I wasn’t far enough along in my pregnancy to have that kind of thing yet – like a nursery set up with a theme that triggers a memory. Or a character onesie. Whatever it is, I have no sign. No symbol.
Sometimes this really bothers me. I don’t think it’s something I can force to happen, but I wonder why there isn’t anything that triggers that for me. Even things about twins I can stare at for a while before I think, “I would have bought that for them…” There isn’t a butterfly or rainbow or picture that I think, “Oh, that’s something I associate with them” and it brings a good memory and warm feeling of closeness.
Then perhaps I’m too practical for it. Not in a good or bad way, just that. Maybe there would be a sign but I push it away because it might hurt too much. I don’t know.
As time passes and the pain lessens, a little bit of a memory might be remembered that makes something symbolic to me. For now, it seems like they are everywhere. Anywhere I turn. Babies. Pregnant women. Angel pictures. My daughter’s face. The boy baby clothes I stumble on in the closet.
If you lost a baby, do you have a sign or symbol that reminds you of them? When did that happen after your loss and what is the meaning behind it?