The 5 Grossest Things About Pregnancy

It's like this, only made of mucous instead of metal.

Pregnancy. Who knew how gross and unpleasant it was? I mean, seriously, I had no idea. Well, I knew about some of the unpleasantries. Like the morning sickness and the hormone fueled crankiness, and I wasn’t even too surprised when I first caught Caroline scarfing down a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream followed with a pickle chaser.

But some of this other stuff? WOW, folks. Long story short, pregnancy’s like the deodorant Secret. It’s gross enough for a man, but made for a woman. And here are the five grossest things about pregnancies which I didn’t know before living through a couple with my wife.

1. The mucous plug: You know what a mucous plug is, right? It’s what blocks the opening of the cervix during pregnancy to prevent bacteria from entering the uterus. And a woman must pass it to create a path for the baby during labor and delivery.

So, first off, it doesn’t sound to me like mucous would be a very good plug, you know, being all mucousy and whatnot. I mean, you’d need some seriously viscous mucous if it’s gonna double as a plug, wouldn’t you? But forget the counter intuitiveness of it all. Consider, instead, that there’s something that’s actually called a mucous plug and that said mucous plug must be passed. Monica was right when she wrote that mucous plug may be the grosses pregnancy term ever.

Then you consider that this mucous plug resides deep inside the station from which the bang-bang train departs? Ew. I don’t wanna think of Caroline’s anatomy as containing any mucous at all. Much less a super-viscous plug of it deep inside her, you know, that she has to pass. What happened to the whole “sugar and spice and everything nice” bit?

2. The Bloody Show: This is not some sitcom that William reluctantly lets Kate watch. Fine, dear, we’ll watch the bloody show, then. Are you happy?

No, the bloody show is a term that has somehow managed to make the term “mucous plug” even grosser. According to “If you are close to going into labor you may see pink, brown, or red blood around the edges of the mucous plug. This is called the ‘bloody show.’ ”

Oh, Kate, be a dear and get me a bloody bucket, will you? I’m gonna hurl.

3. Belly buttons: Seriously, y’all. No one told me that Caroline’s belly button would gradually transform into a tiny, misplaced penis during the third trimester. Well, half the time it looks like that and the other half it looks like the Geico Gecko trying to push his face through a flesh-colored latex glove. Just depends on the lighting. Regardless of which spectacle it resembles, it always conjures up images of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens a la that scene where the monster thing pops out of her stomach.

4. Bathroom issues: Caroline began having bathroom issues around week 34 last time around. They did nothing but get worse and worse and worse as time went on. Yet as bad as it got during her pregnancy, nothing could have prepared either of us for how bad it got in the immediate aftermath of her C-section. I’ll spare you the glamorous details, but they have to do with a “hyperactive sphincter” (which was fooling Caroline’s bladder and bowels into thinking they were doing their job when they weren’t) and a digital procedure.

And all this time I thought digital meant high tech. (If you don’t get that joke, be thankful and just move on along, okay?)

5. The abuse taken by the vagina: Simply put, no one told me that Caroline’s deal was gonna turn into a metaphorical punching bag, absorbing blow after blow delivered by her pregnancy. Though she’s been kind enough to keep me in the loop with regard to its status, I’ve politely declined her invitations to view firsthand what she’s talking about.

But her doctors have visited the site and say that her deal is normal. Mild, even, given the existence of “torn vaginas” which they’ve reported. And while a “torn vagina” is something that pains me to even think about, it comes just short of the other phrase they introduced us to.

Because, quite honestly, there are some things that should never be turned inside out.


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