I love my husband. He is a wonderful, caring man. And he was very involved in our two children’s births. But he didn’t always say the right things. It wasn’t his fault, he also didn’t breathe the correct way or smell right or help me crawl out of my body like I asked him to, either. And like an elephant, a laboring woman NEVER forgets. With my daughter, my water broke at home, and I had this terrifying thought that I was going to have the baby AT THAT VERY MOMENT. My husband did not share my sense of urgency and proceeded to take a shower. I was packed, dressed, standing by the door, holding a towel as a makeshift diaper when my husband told me, “Hang on, I’m just going to brush my teeth.” BRUSH YOUR TEETH?! He almost ended up wearing his wedding ring on a different part of his anatomy. From my experiences, I have compiled a few other phrases that you should never ever say to your laboring partner.
- During the final weigh-in at home: Look at that! We weigh the same amount!
- During the drive to the hospital: Oh man! I wish we were stuck behind a slow car right now so that I could drive like a crazy person and yell, “We’ve got a woman in labor here!”
- Still during the drive to the hospital: I’m just going to stop here at this coffee shop really quick and get a snack.
- As she clutches the hospital wall during a contraction: I totally wore the wrong shoes for all this walking we are doing, my feet are killing me!
- Still clutching wall: And why am I wearing shorts?! It’s freezing in here!
- At 5 centimeters: I feel hungry.
- At 8 centimeters: I feel … [insert anything here] except maybe, “radiating love and gratitude for you as you birth our beautiful ray of light into the world.”
- At 10 centimeters: Ugh. Have you felt this couch?! *Bouncing up and down on couch* I’m sure not looking forward to sleeping on this!
- Mid-way through 2 hours of pushing: Oh wow, my hands sure are getting tired from massaging!
- Baby entering the world: Whoa! What is all that?!
It’s your beautiful freaking ray of light, that’s what it is. And there you go, just a sampling of the many, many things that you should never say when your partner is going through labor. That is, if you want to stay married.