1. Wipe Your Bum Properly
Whether you access your backside from the front or the back, a belly the size of a beach ball can severely impede your progress. But with baby safely out, bathroom-ing is now a breeze. Not only can you now reach important places, you’re also able to see your parts after months of guesswork. Wiping is no longer something akin to a childhood game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
2. Pee For Longer Than Three Seconds
The baby pretty much treats your bladder like a punching bag at the end of pregnancy. Those last few months are filled with the painful need to pee at almost every hour of the day and night, but once you actually avail yourself of the facilities you probably don’t have much to let out. The first time post-birth when you head to the loo and urinate for longer than 10 seconds is a dream come true!
3. Put On Socks (And Shoes!) Without Assistance
It’s tough not being able to see your feet without becoming a contortionist. Putting on socks and shoes with laces can become one of the most difficult challenges of your day. You may opt for slip-ons or flip-flops, but those can get old if you’re trudging around in snow at eight months into your pregnancy. After you’ve given birth, pulling on a clean pair of socks and tying your sneakers in just a few seconds can feel better than a pedicure.
4. Sleep On Your Stomach
Not being able to sleep on your stomach is similar to being stuck in the middle seat on an endless airline flight. It may truly be the worst thing about being pregnant. The back is out, and though sleeping on your side isn’t much better — when that extra weight feels like it’s crushing your hipbones to dust — it’s the only alternative. Your lady parts may be torn, but that first night after you’ve given birth when you can luxuriate on your stomach is incomparable.
5. Have A (Guilt-Free) Glass Of Wine Or Beer
Try having a glass of wine in a restaurant at eight-months pregnant and brace yourself for the onslaught of dirty looks aimed your way. Even though your doctor told you an occasional glass of wine is okay, you will be viewed in the same light as if you sparked your crack pipe and took a deep hit. So bring your celebratory champagne bottle to the hospital and enjoy yourself! You deserve it after what you’ve been through.
6. Lose Weight Without Lifting A Finger
What other time in your life were you able to shed as much as five pounds a day by doing nothing? Sure you’re about 30 pounds overweight, but don’t sell yourself short. Weight loss is weight loss! Climb on the scale those first few days after giving birth and watch as the pounds melt away. Your tummy and backside’s shrinkage will be a beacon of hope during those long, sleepless days and nights with your newborn. (And may possibly inspire a little confidence in your ability to get back to your pre-baby weight once you’re recovered.)
7. Cream Away That Pesky Mustache
One of the first things I did after coming home from the hospital was cream away a blonde mustache that could’ve given Tom Selleck’s famous ‘stache a run for its money. If waxing isn’t your thing, you likely resort to creams that are, sadly, not advisable to use while pregnant. You’re not pregnant anymore, so cream away the undesirable hair and give your husband a big kiss.
8. Eat Sushi
Pregnant women are advised not to eat sushi because the mercury levels found in fish can be dangerous, but you’re not pregnant anymore! Time to get your sushi on! Get yourself to the nearest restaurant and order all the sushi you want. Don’t forget to order a celebratory shot of sake!
Shaving while pregnant should be an Olympic sport. Twisting yourself into all sorts of bizarre positions so that you can take a swipe at a patch of skin is nearly as hard as giving birth itself. And that’s just the legs I’m talking about. Forget about trying to shave your Lady Business or you’ll end up with a painful result that can make going to the OB-GYN embarrassing. Now that your body is baby-free, draw up a huge bath, pour a glass of wine and have yourself a shaving — or an “I Just Gave Birth” — party.