Waiting for the Positive Pregnancy Test

Waiting for the Positive Pregnancy Test

I’m so ready. I think I might actually have baby fever. For the first time in my life.

When we began planning to start our family 15 months ago, I knew it’s what I wanted. And I knew it would take some time. It took me five months to get pregnant with the twins — not that long considering how long it takes a lot of women who undergo IVF — but then I lost my twins at 17 weeks when my water broke one night.

The emotional and physical toll of that was horrific. I miscarried three days before Christmas and awoke Christmas morning to engorged breasts — my milk had come in. It was the worst experience of my life, but I knew within the same week that I wanted to try again.

And we did — unsuccessfully — in early spring. I cried when we got the “not pregnant” phone call from our fertility center. I started questioning whether I was supposed to become a mother. I started wondering if all this suffering was some karmic payback for shitty things I’d done over the years. I started being disgusted by my body for not doing what it was supposed to.

The seven months since my miscarriage have been tough for the obvious reasons, but they have also been made more difficult with an unexpected job change and an unexpected move. We decided to take a break from trying again. We decided to take the summer off. Well, June and July at least. We plan to try again next month.

And I couldn’t be more ready.

This past weekend, I saw a friend who is now 11 weeks pregnant. She’s been extremely sick since week 5. She was pale and shaky and a bit gaunt. Others would probably say she didn’t look that great. And all I could think was how beautiful she was. Sallow skin and having freshly vomited, she was simply beautiful, with life growing inside of her and her body doing what it was meant to do. She was beautiful. As all mothers are.

It’s amazing the way loss changes your perspective. When I was pregnant with the twins, I was so scared. Would I be a good mother? Would we choose the right schools? What if I totally suck at this??

But I’m not afraid anymore. Of anything. I’m not even afraid to be pregnant again. And I was afraid of that when we tried unsuccessfully this past spring. I remember waking up the morning of my embryo transfer terrified of being pregnant again — and I just thought it was nerves, normal, natural. I know now it wasn’t. I was afraid. And I wasn’t ready. But I didn’t even know that until now. I didn’t know that I wasn’t ready then until I realized what it actually feels like to be ready now.

The doubts and fear have lifted, and I think I’ve finally forgiven myself for blaming myself for the loss of my twins.

Next month, I’ll undergo my 2nd frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle, which will be my 4th fertility cycle using meds and hormones. And I’m ready for it.


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