Human beings, by nature, are curious (nosy) creatures. As a mother of three children ranging in age from 12 to 4, I’ve heard it all, especially when I was pregnant with my last. They would see our family with two crazy kids running rampant and look at my swollen belly poised for attack. A pregnant woman seems to be a beacon for very personal and sometimes completely ludicrous questions. The more kids you have, the worse it gets. Here are my top five personal favorites …
1. You are going to be out numbered.
No kidding, Mister. You don’t say? We never even thought of that. You are really good at math. I’m sure at some point they will stage a coup, but will eventually learn that macaroni and cheese won’t cook itself. I have confidence we will remain in charge at least 95 percent of the time. The other 5 percent is up for grabs to the one that screams the loudest.
2. You must be exhausted.
What gave you that clue, Inspector Gadget? Is it the bags under my eyes, the unwashed hair, or the lack of makeup? Perhaps it’s because I fell asleep while we were talking. Being present for children from the moment they wake until the last one drifts off to sleep is a monumentally draining and fatiguing experience. Am I exhausted? Yes. Is it worth it? Most definitely.
3. Did you forget about all the sleepless nights?
Of course not. Between nightmares, bed-wetting, and general late night mischief, we haven’t slept through the night in six years. You think a lack of sleep is going to faze me? I’m a mother. I can catch my toddler as he falls off the counter while simultaneously helping my daughter with homework and cleaning up dog puke — without spilling my wine. I got this.
4. Have you guys heard of birth control?
Unless you would like me to start asking you about your sex life, please kindly shut the hell up. The number of children we choose to have, and how we choose to have them, is none of your business. We have heard of birth control and once we decide we are done expanding our family, you will be our first call to discuss all of the available options.
5. Did you get pregnant on purpose?
I don’t know, did you mean to wear those pants with that shirt? The bottom line is it doesn’t really matter at this point, does it? I am pregnant, so perhaps a “Congratulations!” is the only comment you really need to make.
What is it about a baby bump that inspires such oblivious comments? There are some things that should absolutely remain unsaid when speaking to a pregnant woman (or any woman for that matter). The more kids she has, the greater the odds she does, in fact, know what she is doing.