I am really looking forward to the day that pregnancy test shows up positive. I am ready for the whole range of things pregnancy will bring — my body growing, excitement from my family and friends, and of course adding another member to our family.
There is one part of pregnancy that I am not looking forward to — in fact, I’m fearing it. It goes far beyond any symptom, change, or fear that comes with any typical pregnancy. It’s not something I can really prepare myself for other than acknowledging that it will happen and then getting a support system in place beforehand. It has everything to do with my past, my history.
Miscarriage has brought a lot of change to my life — some deeply sad and some surprisingly uplifting changes. It has robbed me of children I never got to hold, dreams for their future, and has robbed me of something else too — an anxiety-free pregnancy and trust in my body.
The moment a test turns positive, my anxiety is up. Will this baby stick? Will I have more heartache? Will my body throw another blood clot and stop the baby from growing? Those fears and questions flood my mind taking over what should be an exciting time.
Going to the washroom turns into an investigative operation searching for any signs of spotting — fearing it; expecting it. Obsessively retaking pregnancy tests hoping for the comfort of that second line again. The anticipation of the first ultrasound is replaced with a deep fear that there will be no heartbeat. Worry easily overtakes the happiness that I should be feeling — the innocence lost to me like the children I never got to know.
Just another reminder of the impact “just a miscarriage” has and the grief and pain that continues to follow.
Photo credit: hello pedestrian on Flickr