The third trimester. The final stage. The home stretch. The beginning of the end. Those last glorious months of pregnancy.
While getting to the third trimester healthy and happy is a tremendous accomplishment, and we are all grateful to be able to carry a baby successfully to the very end and then usher it safely into the world, let’s be honest. The third trimester is also large, awkward, and downright uncomfortable. And it doesn’t fly by, either. At least not for me. Which is why I’m trying to boost my spirits by counting down everything countable to make the time seem to move faster. I only have seven more doctor appointments! I’ll only need to buy two more bottles of prenatal vitamins! My baby will be born just as the new season of the Kardashians wraps! Woohoo!
If you’re a fellow 3Ter (I just made that up. You like it?), maybe a few of these little niggles and nuisances sound familiar.
1. Nighttime is a Cruel Joke
Recognize this pattern? Get into bed, arrange pillows, body pillow, body and belly into comfortable position. Drift off. Wake 90 minutes later with hip and shoulder aching from weight of body pressing them into mattress. Also, bladder is full. Hoist self out of bed and waddle to bathroom. Return to bed to begin entire process again. Repeat all night.
Your entire digestive tract has slowed to a crawl. By the time you finish pooping, you have to pee again.
3. Want Some Jalapeno Peppers to Start You Off?
Your favorite appetizer is Tums. It’s also your favorite dessert.
4. Every Day is Laundry Day
You have two pairs of pants and three shirts that fit but you’ll be DAMNED if you’re going to buy any more maternity clothes at this point.
5. Where are Max and Ruby’s Parents?
This is only one of the deep questions you’ve pondered as you’ve let your older child overdose on TV because you’re too tired to do anything else. You also wonder why Caillou is bald, and if Dora and Diego were sent to live in the woods by parents who were tired of reminding them to use their inside voices.
6. Stubble is the New Black
Yeah, you COULD shave your legs. Or you could instruct others to avert their eyes if stubble offends them. And really, do they want a grumpy pregnant woman brandishing a razor?
7. Achoo! Did I just…
Yep. I just peed while sneezing.
8. Cake! Now!
It’s not that you’re having cravings so much as it is that eating is the only thing left that feels good. Sleep, sex, exercise, and even sitting on the couch watching Jersey Shore are all uncomfortable. But Oreos? Oreos are forever good.
9. A New Pet Peeve
You love, love, love all the adorable outfits people have been giving you for the baby. You hate, hate, HATE all the plastic tag-holder-onner thingies that you have to cut off those adorable outfits before washing them.
10. That Doesn’t Sound So Bad…
At the beginning, you feared labor. Now, you think 20 hours of contractions plus pooping on the table is a small price to pay if it means you won’t be pregnant anymore at the end of it.