Each and every time I watch The Bachelor, I think two things:
“This is so ridiculous — no wonder no relationship ever lasts off of this show!”
“This is so ridiculous — I love it so much!”
The truth is, this season of The Bachelor has definitely been my favorite. I got into it first and foremost because I secretly thought that Chris Soules was a lot like my own husband, a farm boy with an incongruently-girly giggle.
Of course, the Chris we’ve seen as the main attraction instead of the dumpee is a leetle bit less than the humble gentleman we all fell in love with, but nonetheless, I remain a devoted fan of the show.
And due to the whole ridiculous premise of the show (exotic locations! In any other context, it’s called cheating! Subtle princess sponsorships!), you can imagine my surprise when I thought deep and hard and discovered that — shockingly enough — there are some things that ring true about The Bachelor in our real-life relationships outside of the boob tube.
1. Flowers are given out sparingly.
Not everyone gets a rose on The Bachelor and the same is true for real life marriage. In general, flowers are doled out only for special occasions, when apologizing for the incredibly jackass insults you hurled at each other in the middle of the night, or when you’re hoping to get lucky.
2. Romantic moments are witnessed with prying eyes.
For those of us mere mortals not on television, those prying eyes aren’t creepy cameramen or millions of sorry-not-sorry viewers, but on the faces of the fruit of your loins when they creep into you room at the exact moment that you thought you were safe.
3. Date night is mostly spent talking about how great date night is.
“Wow, this is so nice!” “It’s so beautiful here!” “I’m having so much fun!” The only difference, of course, is that you will genuinely be impressed by any dinner that 1) is not cooked by you 2) doesn’t require you to clean up 3) you are actually able to eat with both hands and/or without another small person’s finger in it.
4. Your man won’t even have the courtesy to tell you about your horrible hair day.
Poor Kaitlyn. We’ve all been there.
5. Awkward kissing moments are bound to happen.
Let’s just be thankful that for all of our sakes, there is no audio involved when it happens IRL.
6. Sometimes, one partner’s life does take center stage.
Every feminist bone in my body is crying wolf at the whole Bachelor set-up and Prince Farming’s #1 quality in a wife simply being that she drop everything to fully acquiesce into his life, but let’s face it — that’s not a far cry from a lot of couple’s situations. Many couples make a one-career relationship work and as any stay-at-home parent knows, sometimes life does revolve around your partner’s career. It’s doable if you’re both down with it.
7. Virgins really do exist — and they’re not hideous.
You saw it here first, folks.
8. Exaggerating sickness is a quest for attention.
Would it really be too much to ask to lay in bed and watch Gilmore Girls all day? Would it? And maybe having someone make me chicken noodle soup makes me feel loved and I want you to hand me a tissue and feel my forehead. Go ahead and judge me.
9. Personality really does matter.
Even in a world like The Bachelor, where being good-looking is a requirement, it’s not all about the outside package. And is it just me or are the super crazy chicks always the really pretty ones?
10. Sometimes, silence is golden.
At a loss for words as to how to respond to your partner who just doesn’t have a clue? A heavy sigh and perhaps some vigorous arm rubbing should do the trick. If Chris Soules has taught us one thing it’s that our mothers were all right — if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Unless, of course, you are blessed with eloquence.
Which, in that case, all bets are off.More On