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Dear Single Friends: Please Don’t Break Up with Me Because I Have Kids

Dear single friends,

Lately, I’ve been feeling like things have changed between us. It seems like you have been avoiding my calls. Correct me if I’m wrong, but have you blocked me on social media? I noticed you no longer comment on the photos of my kids that I post twice a day.

I thought I was making it easier for you to stay consistently updated on my children’s physical and emotional developments by hashtagging their names and tagging you in every picture. I’m worried I still haven’t received your RSVP to the Elsa and Anna themed birthday party at the skating rink. I know it’s early on Sunday morning, but there will be plenty of snacks, and I think there might be at least one single man there who could be a potential candidate for your future husband and father of your children.

What I am trying to say is, just because I’ve got a couple kids and haven’t seen a nightclub in a few years, doesn’t mean I can’t be fun. So please, tell me it’s not over between us.

We don’t need to break up just because I have kids now. Think of all the perks!

1. I Have a Large Car for Road Trips

Just because I drive a car with three rows littered with Pirate’s Booty, doesn’t mean I’ve become a total loser. Let’s go on a road trip. I can make room for you in the second row wedged between the booster chair and infant car seat base. The trunk has plenty of room for a stroller and your luggage.

2. My House Is Filled with Bottles

Choose your poison. I’ve got plenty of wine, tequila, and Dr. Brown’s Natural Flow leak-free bottles that can accommodate formula.

3. Unlike Other People, I Like to Leave My House

I understand my recent wardrobe and lack of attention to my hair would lead you to a different conclusion, but I can take it up a notch if given the opportunity to have someone else dry my hair and apply my makeup. In fact, I am assuming based on your Facebook and Instagram feeds that you like to go out regularly. Why don’t you let me tag along for old times sake?

4. I Can Condense a Wild Night into 3 Hours

You want to have fun? I’ll take you for a spin on the fun train. Just know that it will be a three-hour ride, and I might have to take a phone call at some point in the evening so I can make sure my house isn’t on fire and the kids are alive. Other than that, we are good to go. I am going to maximize the three hours we are together. Those single friends of yours will drag you out all night long. Not me. You can be home before the 11 o’clock news.

5. I Won’t Nurse My Drinks

The clock is ticking so let’s just order two rounds at a time so we don’t waste any time.

6. Tell Me Everything

Unlike your other friends, I want to hear all about your sordid dating life. I will enjoy every single glorious detail.

7. I Dance!

I might not be up-to-date on dance moves, but I will get down. Just give me a couple of hours so I can watch Dancing With the Stars clips on YouTube.

8. I’m an Excellent Wing Woman

I look at the sale prospects and will not rest until I close the deal for you (Unless, of course, I’ve got to get back to pay the babysitter).

9. You Still Look Great!

Childbirth hasn’t left your face ashen and full of cracks. Stand next to me and let all the men of the bar admire you.

10. I Totally Support Your Sex Life

You want to get it on with that guy and the weird guy over there? Go for it! Why start compromising now? You can do plenty of that when you get married. Also, report back with any new moves you learn.

11. I Would Love to Be Bored with You

You’ve had a long week and don’t feel like doing anything but sitting on your coach and watching reality television shows? Count me in! I will bring the chips and guacamole.

12. We Don’t Need to Talk About Dating

We can talk about plenty of other things, like what it’s like being able to delete whatever you want from your DirecTV or being able to go on a vacation without in-laws or a babysitter.

13. I Will Always Be Prepared

I’ve learned the hard way it’s important to travel with an emergency kit filled with Band-Aids, ointments, and rubbing alcohol. I’ve always got Advil and prenatals on hand. I will also always make sure you have enough sunscreen and that you never get dehydrated.

14. My Kids = Your Future Assistants

Why do you think I have a son? So at some point you can have someone move you into your new apartment and only have to pay them in Doritos. I had daughters so they can color code your shoe collection. You can repay them with barrettes and lip-gloss. My offspring = free labor.

All I ask in return is for you to look at one picture of my children and tell me they are adorable. Tell me I look exactly as I did on my wedding day. Tell me I am just as fun as I was before I released human beings from my uterus. That’s it.

So where are we going on Friday night?

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