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Single Mom Seeks Single Dad for Brady Bunch Fun!

My ex-husband, Christmas tree shopping with our children.
My ex-husband, Christmas tree shopping with our children. BEHOLD the single dad sexiness.

I was texting with an old friend the other night when he casually said something that completely turned me off. Not that I was looking to be turned on, mind you. This friend of mine — he’s married with children, and our friendship goes back to elementary school days. By “turned off,” I mean by his words — which indicated his mindset. What he said really bummed me out. He was explaining how his wife was out of town and he was “watching” the kids. You know that ol’ chestnut that usually comes dribbling from the lips of the Don Drapers that still live among us here in the year 2014? The guys who consider spending time alone with their kids “babysitting.”

Ugh.

It made me so keenly appreciate my ex-husband (pictured above and available! — he’s holding a big, manly saw in his right hand in case you can’t make that out) and the men like him. Men who know what it’s like to wake up throughout the night with a fussy baby, men who understand the two hour gauntlet of horror that is getting three children under the age of 5 ready for bed by yourself! Men who have completed the weekly obstacle course known as grocery shopping with little tyrants in tow. Men who have been reduced to tears over the lack of sleep and emotional trauma that being the sole care provider of young children for more than 24 hours at a clip can inspire within a relatively strong human spirit.

And so I have recently come to realize — those men, those big, beautiful bastions of manhood, are the men that make this single mama vibrate with sexual attraction. This is no man-dons-Bjorn-and-I-go-nuts phenomenon. Any random Don Draper type can strap on a Bjorn for an hour. I’m talking about single dads all up in the mix. Sexy single dads who know a thing or two about wiping poop off bums for the 5th time in a day, dads who know how to usher their children from morning to night and night to morning. A whole universe of compassion, empathy and understanding is instilled within the man who is responsible for his children for the same amount of time as their mother. So come at me, you sexy things. Let us get our Brady Bunch on, yes?

Or probably no. You all are probably secretly Don Draper on the inside, searching for a newer model without the hassle of children. I might be wrong here but I fear I am not, that the double-standard is alive and well when it comes to the sexiness of single dads and moms: single moms should be grateful someone wants to “take on” her children and saggy bod and single dads are sexy as hell and will get even sexier the older they get. And, now that I think about it, holy crap the logistics of two single parents attempting to date? A mind-screw en par with the aforementioned grocery shopping with little ones. A date night would require matching our kid-free nights. The scheduling, my God, the scheduling. Is there an app for that? Shared custody dating? Someone get on that, STAT. And what if his ex is terrible? What if he doesn’t get along with my ex? What if our kids hate each other? What if Greg meant to hit Marcia in the nose with a football, is what I’m saying?

I just blew my own mind.

Maybe all was not cool in Brady Bunch land, y’all?

Dammit. Oh, well. The fantasy was smokin’ hot while it lasted. Bring on the 30-year-olds! I’m looking for my newer, child-free model. Man-boys need not apply ‘cuz I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. Literally. I’ve birthed three babies.

But still.

Let’s get it on, fellas. If you like it you don’t even have to put a ring on it. Been there, done that, over it.

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