The Thoughts We Keep Secret from Our Partners

Image source: Thinkstock
Image source: Thinkstock

They’re often our most guarded secrets: bedroom fantasies, harmless crushes, secret desires. They’re the things couples usually don’t discuss together.

But it occurred to me recently. Why don’t we?

And what would happen, really, if we were to decide to be open with our partners about these things?

Just hear me out: I was married for a decade. I’m divorced now. I’ve been dating my ex-wife for a little while now. Yes, you read that right. And I’ve been taking a look at how to do things differently. How to not do the same things over — how to be honest about everything. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a dude with no idea about how you should live your life, especially your sex life. However, I’ve learned some things in my time. And I suspect you have too, even if you don’t really want to admit it to yourself.

See, all of us, no matter how happily married we are, or how sexually secure we are in our relationships — we all let our eyes and minds wander sometimes. (Or lots of times, even.) It’s just human nature. It’s not such a bad scary thing, is it? It’s pretty harmless actually. I’ve got my idea of what a gorgeous or sexy woman is, who doesn’t? I mean we all have our turn-ons and such. And you wouldn’t have to do a scientific study on me to figure out that in my 43 years of living so far, I’ve had many crushes and daydreams about people that I never acted on or even mentioned to another living soul. But it’s the fact that we can’t share these things with the person we’re actually in love with, actually in a relationship with, that makes them feel so wrong. And makes us feel so wrong to think them. I do know that I’m probably as bound to be upset at first or even really hurt if my girlfriend were to tell me she had some kind of hots for someone else. But if it was something we could share in a way that was just as innocent as the thoughts are when they’re in our head? Maybe I wouldn’t be upset or hurt. And in the end, maybe there would be alot less upset and hurt all around.

The way I see it, people are biologically programmed to have these thoughts. It’s carved into the underside of your bones as plain as day, like some kid’s name carved into his school desk. There it is. You can choose to ignore it, you can elect to pretend that the desire to be wanted and fulfilled in lusty ways only exists within you in regards to one person and person only, the person you have been true and committed to for some time now.


You can crawl up inside your own head and spend about three to four minutes fishing around through the past two or three days’ thoughts and you can easily admit that, yes, you have been thinking at times, in sensual ways, about people who you are not associated with in the sensual way. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. As I get older and maybe slightly wiser, I’ve been questioning a lot of how common behavior in relationships. Look, it’s like this. If so many marriages are failing then why not try and think a little more abstractly than most married people, you know?

I’m not saying I’m right. But what the hell; it’s worth a shot trying to come up with alternative ways of approaching relationships, no?

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