Remember how you couldn’t wait for summer and then it finally arrived and you remembered summer meant swimsuits … and swimsuits meant shopping … and shopping for swimsuits meant the following 56 thoughts? Good times.
1. You know what I need? A new swimsuit.
2. A cute one with support! Lots of support.
3. And maybe a top with two different cup sizes. Do they make those? Because they really should.
4. Ooo! Look at all the pretty colors and prints!
5. Maybe I’m feeling a little adventurous!
6. OK, not that adventurous.
7. Wow, that’s tiny. And so is that. And so are all of these.
8. What’s with all this butt ruching?
9. Am I in the junior’s section?
10. “Slimming panels” my ass. Ugh, my ass.
11. Two-piece sets? As in, tops and bottoms the same size? HAHAHAHA! Good one.
12. If vintage is really so hot right now, where are those adorably modest swim dresses from the 1920s? I would rock one of those so hard.
13. OK, time to try on. Deep breaths. Body positive thoughts.
14. Could the lighting be any worse in here?
15. Is this a fun house mirror?
16. I don’t look like that.
17. Do I really look like that?
18. Let me snap a selfie.
19. OMG, delete! DELETEDELETEDELETE.
20. I wish I was drunk right now.
21. Is this too granny?
22. Is this too young?
23. Is this too nippley?
24. Is this too 2013?
25. Will my boobs pop out of this? ::bounce, bounce, bounce::
26. Uh … where is the protective barrier strip thingy on this bathing suit? Eww! Stranger vagina! STRANGER VAGINA!
27. In what tiny person universe is this a size large?
28. Wait, this costs how much? There’s hardly anything here!
29. My body is beautiful. My body is beautiful. My body is … I hate my body.
30. I hate everybody.
31. I hate swimsuits.
32. I hate summer.
33. I hate pools.
34. I hate the beach.
35. Cover ups! I love cover ups.
36. And margaritas!
37. And fall.
38. And big sweaters with leggings.
39. WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE?
40. Help, I think I’m stuck.
41. OMG, I’M ACTUALLY STUCK!
43. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, you want it.
44. Who am I kidding?
45. Is there a way to shop for a swimsuit without actually having to shop for a swimsuit?
46. Is there a way to wear a swimsuit without actually having to wear a swimsuit?
47. I should have brought a friend.
48. Thank God I didn’t bring a friend!
49. I should have shaved.
50. I should have gotten a spray tan.
51. I should have kept my New Year’s resolution.
52. I should have brought snacks.
53. I should have stayed home.
54. You know, I’m not much of a swimmer anyway.
55. And with skin cancer on the rise, I probably shouldn’t even be here.
56. I should be at the food court with a soft pretzel.More On