Ray Romano once said that having children is like living in a frat house (nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up) — and if you have a toddler, you know exactly how true that is.
It’s a good thing they’re so cute, because let’s just say there’s a reason they call it the Terrible Twos. If, in all the chaos, you’ve lost track of exactly how old your bundle of joy (read: terror) is, here are 10 signs you might be living with a 2-year-old.
1. Your house looks like it imploded.
What’s that on the couch? Oh, it’s a baby doll wrapped in a blanket, wrapped in your shirt, underneath five books and a half-eaten apple. No biggie. At least he seems to have eaten some fruit today.
2. You start apologizing a lot.
“He’s pretty tired,” or “he skipped his nap,” or “he must be hungry” come out of your mouth like clockwork. Everyone pretends you’re telling the truth, because it’s just embarrassing to say that your kid hit that other kid just because he damn felt like it.
3. You carry snacks everywhere.
Have you ever seen The Exorcist? No? Just take a look at your 2-year-old with low blood sugar and you can skip watching the movie. Well, you can still watch it, but it won’t scare you anymore.
4. There is an unused potty in your bathroom.
At this stage of the game, ain’t nobody using the potty but Mama. But if you put that sucker in the closet, it’s admitting defeat, so it sits there, staring at you with its reproachful one large eye, every day.
5. Playdates start sucking.
Remember when you and your friend took your babies out to the park and were able to have an adult conversation? Yeah, that’s over, and — YOU CAN’T CLIMB UP A SLIDE! LET HER SLIDE DOWN! MOVE!
6. You research preschools every day.
It’s like how you used to look up bed and breakfasts for a weekend away with your husband. Except that was for fun and romance, and this is for preserving your sanity.
7. You save stuff that looks to others like garbage.
That project you did at the library with popsicle sticks pasted to construction paper was the first time your 2-year-old “made” a “dog.” Isn’t it cute? See, it’s saying woof. Or, W. And you wrote the W.
8. You videotape compulsively.
“The Wheels on the Bus” has fifteen stanzas according to your 2-year-old, and it’s so cute that you have to get out your phone to videotape it. Also, look at bathtime with all his ducks! Also, he says, “I love you, Mama!” Increase your cloud storage now.
9. You start looking longingly at babies.
Whether or not you want another one, you can no longer pretend that a 2-year-old person is a baby. This is also when you start going back through the pictures of the birth and realize that was two whole years ago, even though it feels like last week. Can you believe it? Note: this realization does not have to mean you have to stop wearing your maternity jeans.
10. You smile even if you’re exhausted.
Your 2-year-old saying “Mama is my friend” or “Doggie goes woof” (and you thought he didn’t learn anything from that library art project!) or “Daddy kiss me!” never fails to bring a smile to your fatigued face. Except when you just sat on that baby doll/blanket/board book/apple thing.