If you’re like me and your toddler is obsessed with the little red monster, then you might want to acknowledge the momentous occasion. Since Elmo’s birthday has not yet been declared a national holiday (although I’m sure it will happen soon enough), here are ten alternative ways of celebrating:
1. Talk only in the the third person for the entire day, whether or not anybody else is listening. For example, “Ilana is going to take a shower now. Do you like to shower? Ilana likes to shower A LOT.”
2. Write Elmo in crayon on every white wall you see. (For instance, my mother-in-law just repainted her living room a crisp eggshell. Time to celebrate!)
3. Invite all of your celebrity friends over for a party. After a fun-filled evening of back-to-back duets, announce that you make more money than all of them combined.
4. Hire a musician who plays the kazoo to compose the soundtrack of your life.
5. Buy a fish. Name it Dorothy. Then use it passive aggressively. For instance, if your husband says he is going out for the evening, you might reply, “Dorothy has a question. Didn’t you just go out last night?”
6. Ask a creepy man to stand outside your window. Then yell at him for putting on his jacket wrong.
7. Keep your legs hidden from view all day. Only bring them out if a “dancing on the moon” opportunity arises.
8. If you are in the middle of having a heated debate with a friend (about the state of American politics, the cost of a quality education, campaign finance reform, etc.) and you cannot reach consensus, scream: “LET’S ASK A BABY!!!!” Then go up to the first baby you see and ask for their unbiased opinion.
9. Laugh maniacally at anything and everything. But don’t tickle anyone. That would be weird.
10. Throw Elmo a party. Thank him for being an excellent companion to your child— allowing you to shower, feed yourself, go to the bathroom and occasionally relax on your couch without a screaming two-year-old begging for your attention. Then cut Elmo a heaping slice of Elmo cake.
Elmo loves Elmo cake.
Or so I’ve heard.