New Year’s Resolutions My Toddler Will Break by January 2nd


The great thing about New Year’s resolutions is that they’re an opportunity for everyone to introspect and make plans to self-improve … even toddlers. Quite frankly, your little one might have a higher chance of sticking to his or her aspirations than you do. They may even make it until January 2nd.

But since your toddler can’t articulate their plans that well yet, I’m here to help. Here are their top 5 resolutions for 2015:

1. I will sleep through the night.

For real. No yelling, screaming, or needing water, I promise. I will go down at 7 PM and sleep like a baby (but don’t call me a baby!) til 7 AM. I will do this until you mess up and take me outside the house, at which point I will get sick and then all bets are off until I’m like 7 years old.

2. I will try new foods.

Pass the broccoli, asparagus, and scrambled eggs, please. Heck, pass the Gorgonzola! I will try any new food you offer me. But beware: if you try to feed me one of these new foods in front of anyone else, I will act like I have never seen it before and spit it out. I will relish in denying you the pleasure of having your mother-in-law believe that I now eat shrimp. Just keeping you on your toes, Mom.

3. I will toilet train easily and happily.

Diapers? Hell to the no, those are for BABIES. Get me some underwear now! But before you go bragging about my new potty-trained prowess, there is one caveat: I will only poop in restaurants from now on. Right when your food has just arrived. I will take 25 minutes and need three books. Be careful what you wish for.

4. I will end sibling rivalry.

My baby brother? I love him! I will give him every toy he asks for. I will give him the shirt off my back! Yes, literally. If you try to take him away from me, for some unreasonable thing like his bedtime, I will throw a tremendous fit. I will no longer let him nap because I want him downstairs playing with me. You will yearn for the days when I couldn’t stand him.

5. I will let you get some rest.

You know why? Because I don’t like you anymore. Hello Daddy phase! Daddy, I’m up! Daddy, I’m hungry! Daddy, dress me!  Daddy, let’s play. Who is that sad creature on the couch looking like she needs a hug? Hmm, I think her name starts with an M, but I can’t recall.

These magical transformations may sound all that, but don’t worry, if you miss your old toddler, they’ll probably be back to normal about the same time as you fall off the “go to Zumba every Monday and Wednesdays and only drink one glass of wine a week” wagon.

Happy New Year to us all!

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Article Posted 5 years Ago

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