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7 Things I Didn’t Know Until I Had a Toddler

Toddlers are special little creatures. They are sweet, curious, and always seem to be hell-bent on world domination.

My own little tornado has given me a crash course (often literally) in toddler life.

1. Hot Wheels breed.

They do it while you are sleeping. They do it while you are folding laundry. You will leave a room and six of those little suckers will multiply by the time you walk back in, just waiting to gouge your foot and unleash a torrent of f-bombs while your eyes water fiery tears.

Rabbits ain’t got nothing on Hot Wheels.

2. Cheerios stick to everything.

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Blinds, sunglasses, the space behind your ears … the dog. General Mills should market the ingredients to NASA.

3. Permanent marker does not come off of a stainless steel refrigerator.

But it will come off your friend’s brand new hardwood floor. Thank God.

4. Nice clothes you’ve laid out the night before will magically shrink while everyone’s in bed.

Holiday photo? Picture day at pre-school? No matter — when your toddler wakes up, those clothes will all of a sudden be a size too small, and you’ll have to shove the kids into whatever you can make pass for “dressed up” at the last minute.

5. Pre-school sniffles aren’t as run of the mill as you’d think.

They are actually psychological warfare: if you have nothing major going on that week, you will not catch your toddler’s cold. But if you are on vacation, have three major deadlines at work, or have made plans for a fun weekend, you will become completely incapacitated by bronchitis or pneumonia or both.

6. Everything is sticky.

The door knobs, the fridge handle, sometimes the dog (the poor dog), my pants. Sometimes there’s an easy culprit like applesauce or raisins. But more often than not, it is a sticky of mysterious origins. You will never find out what it is or where it came from. Sometimes it won’t come off and you resort to rubbing a paper towel on it to coat the stickiness so at least you can grab a water bottle without a handful of goo.

Seriously, though … what is that on my pants?

7. They are magical.

There is nothing in the world like their belly laughs, their messy kisses, their tiny fingers wrapped around your hands, their little voices as they bring you a book and ask you to “wead pwease.”

You feel the warmth of their head on your shoulder and their arms wrapped around your neck and you smile. And then you step on a Hot Wheel.

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Article Posted 4 years Ago

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