I believe in general most people look forward to adulthood. With age comes freedom, knowledge, and independence to do exactly what you want when you want to. With the exception of mortgages, jobs, and watching Dora the Explorer with your kids, I’d say being an adult kicks ass.
But I’ll admit there are times I look at my children and think, “Man, I’d love to get away with some of the stuff you guys pull.” Wouldn’t it be awesome to throw down in the middle of Target if something wasn’t going your way?
Still, as nice as that sounds, there are, without exception, certain things toddlers can get away with that adults can never, ever do. Ever. Under any circumstances.
In no particular order, here are a few examples:
1. Wearing a costume to the grocery store.
You see a toddler walking around as Batman in Target and you think to yourself, “Someone won the clothes battle this morning.”
But if you see your neighbor Doreen sporting her Wonder Woman costume on a random Tuesday, you assume she’s started hitting the Merlot before lunch.
2. Crapping their pants.
Listen, it’s happened to the best of us, but it seems much less socially acceptable than when we were 2 years old, amiright? And forget about asking anyone to help you clean up. You’re on your own there cupcake, stomach flu or not.
3. Going to Chuck E. Cheese’s for lunch.
Unless you want to get the stink-eye from every parent in the place, I wouldn’t recommend two 30-something dudes showing up to Chuck E. Cheese’s for lunch sans kids. This also goes for all kiddie pools and birthday parties at skating rinks.
4. Grabbing their crotch in public.
Besides toddlers, Michael Jackson in his Thriller days was probably the only adult in history who could pull this off. Though I’ve worked with my share of men who think it is perfectly acceptable to “causally” adjust themselves in the office, I’d shy away from it.
5. Asking to be carried when they’re tired.
Somedays I really, really wish they made an adult-sized Baby Bjorn.
6. Giving completely honest answers.
Toddlers and kids are not afraid to tell it like it is. If I ever want an honest answer to a question, I will always ask my 12-year-old daughter. At some point as we age, we begin to develop filters in order to keep gainfully employed and have friends (because no one really wants to know if they look fat in their outfit).
For those of us lucky to live past the age of 80, we will eventually get our free pass back to tell it like it is. Just ask my 92-year-old grandma who regularly tells me her neighbor’s husband runs around with “every whore in town.”
7. Asking for free stuff.
Toddlers get everything for free. They have it pretty easy if you think about it: they can show up for dinner without a wallet and no one raises an eyebrow. They head to the local bakery for a free cookie and get stickers at the doctor. I don’t know about you, but the first restaurant that markets an “Adults Eat Free” night will have a loyal customer for life.
I would add naps and picking your nose in public to the list, but I’ve heard that those things can still occur for even the most mature adults …