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Inner Thoughts of a Toddler on Christmas Morning

Image Source: Thinkstock
Image Source: Thinkstock

The holidays can be an overwhelming time for toddlers: so much fun, so many sparkling lights, mounds of candy … and endless opportunities for a meltdown. Here’s what the inside of a 2-year-old’s brain looks like when encountering Christmas morning …

PRESENTS!!!!

PRESENTS. PRESENTS. PRESENTS. PRESENTS.

Santa did come.

I knew I smelled reindeer poop last night …

Wait a second, let’s talk about this whole Santa thing for a second.

You allowed some random guy in a big red suit into our house? You can’t even tell me exactly where the North Pole is, yet YOU LET HIM INSIDE? Madness.

Why did HE get to eat all the cookies I left out on a plate?

I wanted to eat the gingerbread man’s head off for breakfast.

Where are my breakfast cookies?

It’s 9 AM and I need to eat three times my weight in sugar by 10, people.

Next year I’m going to stay up past 8 PM and catch Santa in the act.

Those cookies will be MINE. (Then I’ll pinch Rudolph’s nose and figure out how he makes it glow.)

OK, back to the PRESENTS!!!

Oh my gosh, yes — all this stuff is for ME!

Wait, some of them are for my baby brother?

He can’t even stand up yet! Why does that crybaby get any presents? Is he even allowed to eat candy canes?

OK, fine, he can have some presents.

I’ll just help him out by showing him how to use them … see? This wooden hammer goes BANG BANG BANG.

Oops. Was that the baby’s hand?

Well, that’ll teach him to put his hand next to a construction site. I’m just trying to offer a nice hands-on learning opportunity for him since you’re too busy snapping pictures and drinking eggnog.

Here, I’ll help you open your presents.

Let me do it. LET ME DO IT LET ME DO IT LET ME DO IT!

I am the in-house paper-ripping expert, remember?

We all have our jobs. You do your thing — like cleaning up my never-ending trail of destruction and peeling every bit of stringy stuff off of oranges and replacing outlet plugs after I remove them — and let me do mine.

This bow is amazing. So shiny!

And this box! It’s just what I need for that boat I’ve been meaning to make.

Here, take this new doll.

She’s just getting in the way of preparations for my sailing expedition.

And I need this candy cane ornament …

… and a hat, an old sweater that doesn’t fit me anymore, a chair, a box of Cheerios, your new flannel pajamas, a delicate ceramic angel, a bell and, yup. I’m set. Let’s get out of in the snow and go exploring!

Merry Christmas, everyone! Now it’s time for a nap.

I’ve got to rest up for New Year’s Eve, you know. This year I’m staying up ALL NIGHT LONG!! My parents can’t wait.

Article Posted 2 years Ago

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