Bedtime. Shudder. It’s a nightly opportunity for an epic battle of wills between a determined and clever person trying to do what they think is best … and her parents. Once toddlers figure out that their parents are doing awesome stuff after they go to bed — like cleaning dishes and folding laundry — they want in on the adventures and out of their beds.
What exactly are they thinking when it’s time to catch some Zzz’s? Well, it might go a little something like this:
1. Here we go again — bath, books, then bedtime. Ugh.
Didn’t we try lights out at 7:30 last night? Didn’t work for you then, did it? What makes you think tonight will be any different?
2. I’ve had all day to come up with another set of tricks, people.
Let’s see what you do when I throw these at you!
3. Sleep? I don’t need sleep.
Sleep is for babies and old people (like you). It’s for suckers.
4. I just need another handful of graham crackers and I’ll be set for another round of hide-and-seek.
Now close your eyes and I’ll go hide. And don’t come out until I’ve eaten all the Halloween candy you thought you hid from me.
5. I’m thirsty.
I haven’t had a drink in days! Hours! Minutes!
6. I’m hungry.
I’m not sleepy. Bedtime is for suckers, I told you. Suckers and baby brothers.
7. Now is the perfect time to share all my burning questions with my parents.
Where exactly is that farm that our dog went off to last year?
Why are toes so tiny?
If I get square pants can I be a sponge, too?
8. Hey, how many hours are in the night? What about this night? And the next one?
How about Wednesday? Is it longer that Tuesday? Or Thursday?
See, I know the days of the week!
Let’s stay up and snuggle and talk about how smart I’m getting these days.
9. You’re my favorite person ever and I love you so much. Especially when you sing to me.
I know, let’s sing right now! Let’s sing every single song from Frozen three times.
Wait, you messed up the words to “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” Go back and start over.
Again, I say, AGAIN!
10. I’ve got to pee. Now is the time to try that potty thing I’ve heard so much about.
Do you want me to go to kindergarten in diapers?
It’s not time for bed, it’s time to use the bathroom.
11. Wait. This pillow is way too soft.
It’s like a cloud pulling me down, and I’m afraid of heights. Get me a new pillow right now!
12. One of these nights the sun is going to go down and won’t come back up again.
More questions: who’s pulling the sun up? How do you know it will come up?
13. If monsters aren’t real, why are there so many movies about them?
And who was that walking around at Halloween demanding candy?
I need another monster check.
A real monster check where you crawl under my bed and clear out every last sock and crumpled piece of construction paper and/or monster!
14. No, no bedtime hugs and no tucking in. I’m not going to accept those this evening.
If I don’t get tucked in, it’s not really time for bed … I’m a genius. Wait. Wait!
Just one more story?
Just one more kiss?
15. You wouldn’t leave me without a nightlight, would you?
Hey. You guys … ? Come back! I NEED A HUG! Tuck me in!
16. OK, I’ll lay here for a minute. One minute.
But I’m not sleepy. Not one bit. It’s not going to work this time …
… Zzzz …