My Kid is Right: Clowns Are Scary

My kid said it: CLOWNS ARE SCARY.

We recently attended a birthday party for a 3 year old boy and everything was going swell. The fruit punch was flowing, the kids were eating way too much sugar and artificial coloring and the most fun ever was being had in the Spiderman bounce house. People, this was good toddler times right here.

Suddenly we hear SQUEAKY SQUEAKY SQUEAKY, and a totally scary clown appears.

The kids gasp.

One of them hides behind the others; I swear I heard whimpering.

The bounce house stops bouncing.

The laughter stops.

There is silence. Toddler silence – and that like never happens.

“Well hellooooooo kids! I’m Mr. Wallaballoo and I’m your party clown! Are you ready to have some fun?” yells the totally scary clown man with a totally scary voice in totally scary makeup. Visions of John Wayne Gacy and Stephen King’s It flash into my head. I plan our escape route.

BooBoo, who had completely ignored me for the last 2 hours suddenly dives into my arms and buries his head in my boobs.

Friends, this clown was freaking weird. Now I don’t know the hosting parents very well, for all I know they found this clown from some unbelievable deal on Groupon or something but that was some crazy you know what right there.

I scan the room for a reaction.

The parents are aghast while Mr. Killer Clown tries to rally the troops with a half-broken boutonniere that squirts water – or at least was supposed to. Then the real fun started as clown man proceeded to blow up balloon animals – or at least tried to. In the history of mankind, no toddler has ever turned away from a balloon animal (or any balloon for that matter) and yet no one wanted one. They sensed the evil. We all sensed the evil.

I guess fun, non-threatening clowns are cool. I mean I’m not here to bash the clowning community – heck, I know the pains I go through to remove my eye makeup at the end of the day. But for all you birthday party clowns out there, be cool and try your freaking best to take the scary out of all that wackiness you’ve got going on. I hope know you’re not bad; you’re just inexplicably painted that way.

The moral of the story: Parents, before you hire birthday entertainment, check references and/or take recommendations for this kind of stuff because scary killer clowns are pretty much a guaranteed party fail. Like big time.

Clowns, love ’em or hate ’em?

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