It’s well-known that your actions and reactions are determined by your beliefs, and my toddler is no exception to that rule. Unfortunately, some of his beliefs are about as sane as the feces of a bat. For example:
- If Mom is watching my every move, I’m totally okay playing by myself. As soon as she tries to do something for herself, though, I must crawl all over her while crying.
- Clothes drawers are wonderful toys that Mom always keeps stocked with things to pull out.
- If you can be up higher, do. Everything is for climbing, whether it be a toolbox, a piano, a bookshelf, or a cat palace.
- Scream when you’re angry, squeal when you’re excited. The louder the noises you make, the more people will listen to you.
- Books are amazing things and I love them! Until we get to page three or so. Then they’re super boring and you should either throw the book or scream while squirming out of your parent’s lap.
- When Mom says she’s going to the bathroom, she’s really just trying to leave me alone to be eaten by wolves.
- If you’re not choking on your food every 10 seconds, you’re either not eating it fast enough or not stuffing enough of it into your mouth at once.
- Cords are wonderful playthings — you can do so much with them! Bite them, pull them, wrap them around your neck — the possibilities are endless!
- The Devil invented hats.
- If you are angry, the best course of action is always to pull off your shoes and socks and throw them.
- Tupperware lids make wonderful noises when dropped on the ground. For the best effect, drop a whole container of lids on the kitchen floor and then throw them around.
- Cats are fantastic fluffy creatures that I simply must pull the hair off of.
- Getting your diaper changed is one of the worst things imaginable. Twist and squirm and touch your poop as much as possible to show your parents how much you hate it.
- Trashcans are wonderlands of crinkly noises and interesting smells. Everything inside should be pulled out of them, and every toy I own should be thrown in.
- Mom always puts things in the wrong place. Movies go on the couch. Shoes go in my crib. Clothes belong on the floor. If she would just get it right the first time I wouldn’t have to move them back every day.
- When you meet someone new, you should always either stick your fingers in their mouth or poke one of their eyes. It shows that you’d like to know more about them.
- Blankets have no purpose but to restrict. Kick them off at every opportunity.
- If others are laughing, you should laugh too. Use your fakest laugh possible to show that you are totally part of the conversation even though you don’t quite speak or understand the language.
- Things that are delicious: sticks, pinecones, dandelions, Daddy’s socks, Mom’s arm, and fruit snacks.
- I am a monster. I know because Mom tells me every day.
- I am just the cutest thing ever. I know because Mom tells me every day.
Article Posted 4 years Ago